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WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
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Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Friday, October 18, 2013

Is it un-submissive that I was the one to bring up BDSM?


Please make sure to visit the other participants' pages- the links are at the bottom. We'll see how I do with this- typing it up after I managed to cut my left hand pretty bad while opening a can of tomatoes to make my Master's work lunches. As all too typical for me, my answer to who first brought up spanking (or really the larger category of BDSM, for me) will be told in a mixture of narrative and direct writing.

The coffee house Tom had been living in closed and he said "I'll get in touch with you somehow." So not wearing a collar from him at the time, I was still prepared to wait. One night my then-husband took me to a goth club we frequented. As we were walking onto the dance floor, I saw HIM. Yup, I've already written at least one most about what I first noticed on that night when I met my Master, close up- I say close up because I'd "seen" Him, heard about Him, all from a distance at the Michigan sci-fi conventions we frequented. His eyes. I noticed His eyes. I wanted to see those eyes on me as I danced for His whip, as I writhed underneath Him.

I was a chicken shit. Normally I save being a chicken shit for women I'm interested in, but nope, I was a chicken shift with Master. Time periods are all kinda sketchy in my memory of this time in my life. I've heard the story both from my Master and my now-ex-husband- they agree that ex basically said "My wife wants to have sex with you." Ex and I were polyamorous. I don't remember what I was doing exactly, other than jumping around from one piece of furniture to the next like I was playing "Lava," but Master had come over to talk to me and my then-husband and my son were off somewhere.

So yes, sex with Master happened before "the conversation" happened lol. Sex was all good; Tom hadn't said anything about just having sex with then-husband before he vanished so I was having casual sex as I pleased within the guidelines of my polyamorous marriage. I don't remember if this specific sex was happening closer to the 3 months over which my Master watched me fall into a deeper depression or what. But...

Gods, He looks so good in that chair. Glad I'm already naked. I'm quickly on Him, straddling Him. Quick, get the condom on. Gotta get that cock in me.

He groans. I love to hear Him groan. So ready. Why am I already to come soon quick?

I lean into Him, arms around His neck. Love this hair, I wanna bury my hands into it, but I can't pull. Please, please. I wanna beg like the slaves in the beauty books. I wanna beg like I'd dreamed of begging Tom, if we could ever get privacy, like the one time when we were in Gotham after close and I begged just to obey his command to smell him, to learn his scent.

The orgasm hits me. "Master," I gasp.

Then-husband intrudes to comment, "You know what that means." I can hear his shit-eating grin even though I don't look at it.

I don't exactly remember what my Master said to either my comment or dumb ass ex, but I do remember His smile in that moment and how soon after that He came.

So yes, I called Him "Master." I started a conversation around what we both want that continues to today.

Amusingly about spanking in particular, I brought that up as well and not too long ago. After reading Sue Lyndon's "Dark Without You," I got into reading a lot of spanking fiction; I specifically got into reading books that held Domestic Discipline philosophy. We'd settled into a bit of a rut- not having sex as often as usual (which tends to be a minimum of once a day, even after about 13 years) and being really "vanilla" in what we were doing. I started talking to Him about maintenance spankings, sharing links to DD pages. Well, He thought it was funny- "How is that any different from what we do?" and He used His back scratcher/massager thing on my ass. I don't know. I've been sick the past few weeks and He continues to be super stressed because of shitting work schedule; it didn't go so well when I begged Him to use toys the other night. Maybe I just need to be a good submissive and wait on Him?

At least I have tons of spanking fiction on my Kindle while I wait :D.

16 comments:

  1. Well, I don't think it is un-submissive to ask for what you want. But I am not very submissive so what do I know?

    I think voicing your needs is healthy, and it sounds like he mostly responds in a way that is pleasing to you. Just keep communicating, sounds like it is working so far :)

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    1. Yeah, it's still a work in process, us getting to voice my needs. Thankfully He's pretty good at figuring out when I'm holding something in.

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  2. I think knowing what you want and asking for it takes a great deal of courage but I feel like you've always had that and never hid your true nature, is that right?

    So happy it's worked out so well for you.

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    1. Actually, Natasha, I will often say that I'm not a poster child that any movement would want and that includes BDSM. When BDSM-ers cry "not all of us are abuse and/or rape survivors" well I'm both. Emotional abuse all my life from my mother. Multiple rapes over my 13 and 14th years. Somewhere in that time though, it's like something in me broke and I never quite escaped "teen rebellion." Although like I said to Casey, me speaking my needs is still a work in progress and one of those things my Master seriously works on. along with leading me to set and keep boundaries with my mother.

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  3. You could argue that it would be unsubmissive to have hidden your desires from your master. And deceptive!
    It's funny, I read how you had met before and that you started out with a BDSM relationship, so it never occurred to me bringing span king into it may have been tricky

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    1. I'm so glad that Patricia Green commented on BDSM not being about spanking- it's been a day of errands etc so I'm late in commenting. But yeah, spanking as an activity separate from general BDSM activity- it was scary to try talking to Him about maintenance spankings. Laughable that it was because yeah, this is the Man who flogs me for our mutual enjoyment :D In a way, I guess it was my "we need to spice things up" hehe

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  4. BDSM is not about spanking; it's about a power exchange. Spanking doesn't have to include a power exchange, all it has to include is a hand on a butt (or something similar to that). I don't think you were un-submissive. A man in charge wants to have options, and telling him you want something gives him ideas he might not have had before. You did the right thing.

    I hope you feel well soon.

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    1. thanks :) I forgot my hand was still bugging me when I put this post together- it's healed up to the point that I'm okay as long as I don't put direct pressure on the spot I injured.

      Good point on giving options. Really my title ends up being a rhetorical question because yeah, considering my Master's fight to get me to just say when I want something- giving Him the chance to decide "yes/no/maybe-just-wait"

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  5. I'm a big believer in standing up for oneself's and seeing that one's needs get met.

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    1. yeah me too :) we all just sometimes have different paths to it :D

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  6. I'm so glad you asked for what you wanted! Not un-submissive at all! :)
    I hope you feel better soon :)

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    1. thanks :) hand is much better... thankfully in time for SatSpanks, SeductiveSnS, and the Saturday write-in I do. yeah, asking slowly get less scary :D

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  7. Loved your post, Joelle. I don't think it's unsubmissive to ask for what you want, it's just being honest and open about your feelings and desires, and that can take a lot of courage. Great post.

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    1. thanks, Sue. It's too silly, but for a long time I got wrapped up in this litmus test of "Is this being a good submissive?" And that got my Master started in demanding more complete sentences, more telling Him what I wanted, because otherwise, He had to guess.

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  8. I'm so sorry that you've had such pain in your life, Joelle. Even though my experiences can't compare I can understand having difficulty in expressing your needs.

    I'm glad you did ask for something you needed and I'm glad that your Master was receptive. Happy spankings xx

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    1. yes, very happy spankings this morning lol :D It's funny- odd, not haha- or maybe not so... when people say things like you have, sorry for the pain I've experienced, I'm still so quick to try to downplay (even after I've shared bluntly) because "oh you know there's people who've had it way worse than me."

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