When I read the question, I thought about how spanking fiction for me felt like a bit of home. While there's plenty of good BDSM erotica/erotic romance out there (no, I don't count FSoG among that), it sometimes feels to me like I find a submission (in spanking/DD fiction) that matches my real life closer than some of the BDSM fic out there. I answer that question with a resolute BOTH, although only when speaking of my Master, the Man whose collar I accepted. Of course, I struggle with the binary (in or out of the bedroom)- I have to ask, why the bedroom? I know I'm being unfair to those who enjoy BDSM/spanking at clubs, at munches etc, but I feel submission as "not just about sex."
Some may ask why submission in spanking fiction is more relatable to me than what I've found in BDSM fiction- after all I identify as a lifestyle submissive. I lay claim to 20 years of BDSM experience. But a lot of the phrases I've grown up with in BDSM- "safe, sane, consensual," "BDSM checklists," "pre-scene negotiation"- are a lot of what I don't want. When I start talking about religious stuff- I'm a Unitarian Universalist- my Master will say "That sounds like corporate doublespeak." That's my signal first to stop talking about it to Him :D before I then re-evaluate what's happening. Is something being made more difficult than it needs to be? Possibly. The point is (from my seemingly inappropriate example), my understanding of domestic discipline can be summed up in
the spanker asks the spankee-
"do you want to live this way?" there are less if any
questions after that one
I want to give you 3 examples of how submission (to my Master) works in my life.
In Bed
I'm cross posting this from my post about "anal in spanking fiction" from yesterday as it crosses both topics. I can't tell you how many years ago it's been now, but I had a health issue that meant we had to avoid any anal activity for several months. In my head, I managed to start associating "anal" with "pain" in a way I never had. That's a big problem- you see, my Master and I both love anal intercourse. And somewhere between being the mythical "perfect slave" and my own super active life, I couldn't manage to say "Master, can we please use some lube? No lube, like we're used to, just isn't working now." Yes, I finally did say those words to Him, but our sex life and my mental health around sexual issues weren't doing so good during the years (yes, years) it took me to get from the health issue- being medically cleared to engage in anal activities- me saying what I needed to say. I was so attached to submitting to what He wanted sexually, so attached to "what a good submissive would do" that I prevented Him from enjoying a sexual activity that He loves- this isn't a capture fantasy, a BDSM erotic novel, this is a Man who loves me wanting me to enjoy sexual activity with him. Submission isn't always a straightforward thing.
Out of Bed
Well out of the bedroom, including more than it. :D. But one of my jobs (I have 4) is "homemaker." Around everything else I do, I work much like a '50s housewife. There's my Master's house clean, laundry to do, meals to prepare and serve. I'm definitely not perfect about it and I fail plenty to keep things as clean and orderly as He would like. Now here's one guaranteed to make you all laugh. My Master believes that folding socks into themselves when pairing them stretches the socks out and makes them last not as long; nope, I don't agree with His logic. But when I'm doing the laundry, I fold our son's and my socks into themselves while I pair and fold in half my Master's socks. Where a couple without a negotiated power imbalance might come to a different solution to this personal preference, my response is to submit to my Master's wishes on His socks, while retaining my own thoughts otherwise about sock folding. Just a little thing :D.
Away from Shaman
This is an important one to me as a lifestyle submissive- what I choose to do when my Master isn't in the same room as me. It seems to me that this is one thing that makes my submission different from those who submit only in bed or at the BDSM club etc. I'll tell you a story that I once told a UU minister- he didn't take it the way I meant ugh. But my Master believes that Ol' Roy dog food from Walmart is a "premium dog food"- yes, direct quote from Him. I really don't agree. Before rescuing a second dog- thinking of all that dog poo from 2 large dogs- I decided to change our dog's food to something I approved of- and to do it behind my Master's back. I do all the grocery shopping so that was a doable thing. I however carefully followed the slow process of changing the food brands, knowing that He'd be displeased enough by the fact that I was buying a more expensive dog food. After He found out about the change- I'm also the one who tends the food dish- I didn't get punished (for changing the food without permission and intentionally behind His back knowing He didn't want me to) because I had followed the proper, healthy procedure for changing a dog's food. Now I mention that minister not understanding- the way he saw it, it was horrifying that Shaman would have an opinion on something as seemingly little as dog food and that I was risking punishment by changing the brand as I did. I see the story as an example of the balance between submitting to my Master's desires and doing what I feel is right.
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I think many of us agree that submission isn't only about sex - although maybe I should speak for myself. There's so much more.
ReplyDeleteInteresting to hear your POV from the lifestyle you live, Joelle.
Well like others commented below commented, it often starts at sex,, but is really so much more. But you said "may of us" Natasha :D hehe reminds me of some of my anxiety with word choice yesterday when talking about DD and anal
DeleteYou make a very interesting point about how DD means you don't have to keep asking permission or gaining consent, the parameters are set from the outset, and while they may change and develop, they're there all the same.
ReplyDeleteI have to admire someone who can give themselves so totally as you do, Joelle. I'm sure there are times when it really can't be easy
lol oh certainly, Tara. there's plenty of bad too. Last week and this afternoon two big examples-
Deletelast week, I got pissed at my Master because I took a break from author work specifically to get a bunch of housecleaning down then I had a female moment and was angry that He didn't seem to notice or anything when I cleaned specifically a few areas that I know irritate Him.
then this morning, knowing I still had a few last week's Satpsnks and this discussion then tonight's satspanks, I set out to get grocery shopping done. Then there was dealing with the 3.14 lbs of stew beef and the how many ever pounds of pork- these both into 2 different dishes that needed to be made today. So shop, cook, author work while remembering to be a good L&G-er and promo for "Silent Sunday"
but on DD- I think, baring using different terms, that often enough that's more my life. It's like the day you asked if I thought my Master was literally above me. That really is one of the places that DD makes more sense to me. I agreed my Master is the leader of the household.
I agree that submission is something more than just sex.
ReplyDeleteI am laughing about the sock thing because my husband is the same way, he thinks if I fold them up together it stretches them out. So I just throw them all in his drawer without pairing them (that is when the clothes actually get from the laundry basket back into the dresser- which is a rare occurrence).
hm, just throwing them in :D I wish I could pull that- my Master uses a hanging organizer that holds socks, underwear etc so even if I wanted to brat like that, Casey, well it wouldn't work very well.
DeleteI, like the others who have commented above agree, submission is so much more than sex in a true and lasting D/s relationship. In or out of the bedroom, when you can express the seeds of this lifestyle and embrace those core values that originally brought you together daily, you have a foundation for life in each other... 🌟
ReplyDeleteAnd lol Casey in "Socking it to Him" ! ≧◔◡◔≦
wow, what a beautiful way to word that, Joseph :) hehe... I also love Casey's take on socks :D
Deletelasting is the thing. Being only 35, I've seen more of the reality of divorcing and shorter relationships. I even half a divorce in my past, but my Master and I are still going strong after about 13 years.
I think the folding of socks is pretty universal when it comes to male and female pov. Every guy I have ever known says 'don't.. that stretches them out'.. lol. I come back with 'So does putting my hand inside them to turn them right-side out'
ReplyDeleteSo like Casey, I just toss them in his drawer all messy, unfolded, and often inside-out.
I like how you identify with your submission, Joelle. Inside and outside of the bedroom. I agree that submission is definitely NOT all about the sex. But I do think that the sex between a dominant and submissive is enhanced because of there relationship.
I do have one guy friend whose a family friend and actually thinks Shaman's silly on the sock thing- he folds his into themselves lol.
DeleteWhile it's an imperfect example (because there were a lot of problems with the relationship), I think about what it was like to be in a vanilla marriage with a man at the same time I was in a D/s relationship. Again- many problems- but even at the beginning, when I was happy both with my ex-husband and my Master, I was happier with my Master. The sex just wasn't as good. Of course, one could argue that it's my Master's skills in sex (vs my ex).
"I thought about how spanking fiction for me felt like a bit of home." It does to me too. I relate more to DD because of the domestic part of it which implies it's all just a part of life. So much of my life revolves around my home, my kids, and my husband. It makes sense for our relationship to become a part of that. For me at it's root submission is sexual (I feel undeniable sexuality out of submission) however it is so so so much more than that! For me it's not an either or. Experiencing or acknowledging one aspect does not negate the other. Thanks for sharing, Joelle! I cannot express in words how much I enjoyed reading your post!
ReplyDeletethanks, Corinne. yeah, that wholeness of one's experience. It's part of my involvement with L&G- although, thankfully my Master is watching out for me to get too frustrated to be useful. I want to be a whole being; I finally said to one of the ministerial team (I go to the online Unitarian Universalist church "Church of the Larger Fellowship") that it's about identity for me... "A lesbian can say she's a lesbian in service, but can I say 'I am a lifestyle submissive'?"
DeleteYes, I agree-- that was sort of my take on today's post too-- spanking fiction is a better fit for me than BDSM, because I"m MORE interested in submission out of the bedroom, away from a "scene".
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Joelle!
thanks, Renee. I so relate with your "away from a 'scene'." Talking about scenes like that feels so artificial to me. An interesting thing that comes to me- I was talking to a BDSM friend, a Top, and he struggles with DD because from his understanding there isn't any negotiation, but I just don't see it that way. It's not supposed to be theater, be a business, it's a relationship.
DeleteLove the socks story. My husband is the same way with his socks. I don't even fold them, just toss them as is into the sock drawer. He wears only black and buys a few dozen pair at a time so there's no rummaging looking for a matching pair. I do the same with my white socks.
ReplyDeleteGood post!
oo I'd love it if He had just one type of sock. but no, there's different socks (mostly "grey heels, white sock," "black heels, grey sock" type of thing).
DeleteGreat post, Joelle.
ReplyDeleteI agree about submission not just being a sexual thing.
Thanks so much for sharing!
FYI, I have a sock basket. If I don't get to them in time, we play the "find a mate" game, from the big basket.
It's a fun morning activity when you are already running late for school and work ;)
I keep a bag of socks that haven't been paired yet in my closet lol but the attempt is to always keep at least one pair of clean underwear and socks in His hanging organizer.
Deleteand you're welcome :) I had fun writing this, even if it took me two days 'cause the first night I started writing it, I was so frustrated about a bunch of things that I decided a wine cooler was needed and I couldn't follow the train of what I was trying to write lol
A lot of folks related to the socks but one thing stuck out in my mind. The BDSM checklists and the scene negotiation. Like you, I am married but am an inside the bedroom kind of gal. So, I was thinking about how much time could have been saved if WE had just come out and told each other up front what we wanted. Not in general terms but specifics. Stating clearly here is what I like, what I'd like to explore more, and what (in his case) will have you screaming, curled in a fetal position on the floor . Now go for it....
ReplyDeleteKind of like a sexual menu. If we want to offer specials, we may try them out and if popular, they could become part of the permanent menu. So all in all, I think those BDSM checklists could be a good think, even outside of a club or for sexplay only.
well I didn't state that much on what I was thinking on the checklists, or maybe just approached it in one way. To me, the way checklists are too often approached in the BDSM scene, it's a clinical, an almost corporate sensibility that is so artificial that I want nothing of it. but yes, approached like as sexual menu, as you put it, Maddie, then it's good... nods, it's in the approach, the meaning behind it usually that gives me pause
DeleteReally interesting post, Joelle - thank you for sharing so many insights into your life and relationship in such an open and engaging way.
ReplyDeleteI understand just what you mean about checklists feeling 'clinical', though I understand why people might want to use them. I think I'm lucky in that my partner is very responsive to my thoughts and needs, and that we can discuss things (and try them) in a totally safe, open way.
Also, he's cool with the sock pairing thing. And with me doing silly sock puppet routines every so often.
lol sock puppets :D
Deletebut thank you for your comment, Penelope. I think my Master and I are like you and your partner- the notion of a checklist... shrugs. Not needed. And actually, thinking of what the Doms in Patricia Logan's serial "Master's Boys" and Paloma Beck's "Hold My Hand," my Master got me broken in such pieces that He's still trying just to get me to say what I want/need. It's like, when I struggle with such seemingly little things as, "Master, please use lube"?
I loved reading your take on this and it is great that so many feel that submission is much more than sexual. Love your sock story too! :)
ReplyDeletethanks for the comment. yeah :D the socks are pretty funny
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