This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, December 12, 2013

What sort of sex do you like? My thoughts on turn ons, offs, especially in relationships

I have a lot of winding, sometimes related, sometimes barely related thoughts on the topic of what turns a person on sexually or off, what can or does happen to these things within a relationship. As a writer, I also have thoughts about how what we writers write can be taken as endorsement of, as "that's what I like," which isn't always the truth- are people who write about serial killers asked about killing in the way erotic romance writers are asked about our sex lives? I think not. I believe that's mostly what I was thinking of when I decided to write this post; I'm just glad this isn't an essay for an English class 'cause I'm not sure that this would be an A+ essay and those were the only type I found acceptable in school.

Of course we all know (right, we all know this?) that what a person likes sexually is a very complex thing impacted upon by dozens of different factors. Everything from what we were raised (by our community, our church, our parents) to find either acceptable or taboo sexually, something we like, something that affected us. I read, heard somewhere that fetishes often come from something that affected a person especially during puberty and not always in the way we expect- it could be something as simple as seeing a cute girl's tennis shoes when a boy had an erection. Then there's the massive amounts of money spent on advertising (both planned advertising and Hollywood-produced movies, which can sometimes almost be an hour long commercial with the way products are placed.) Social scientists, pundits, clergy, all sorts of people have talked about how advertising affects us. Everywhere from blaming sexualized images as corrupting our culture, of hurting females etc. I'm not sure the causal links are always what social scientists try to tell us, however I think we can agree that if you see enough of one body type of TV, you may like it more than another.

I'm thinking ahead to the Spanking Romance Roundtable that Anastasia Vitsky is hosting on "fantasy versus reality" (1/17/14)- yeah, I plan to write up to 2000 words on that one. But on topic here, I think about how "in real life" and "in a book" enter the conversation of likes/dislikes. For example, I enjoy some of the talk about things being naughty, taboo in spanking fiction, but I'm fairly sure that hearing "You're so naughty" from my Master would turn me right off- "brat" is the closest I come in that. I've also been finding myself trying to explain about panties- it's in a trope in domestic discipline stories for the Head of the Household to lower the Taken in Hand partner's panties to her (because yes, other than Thianna D's "As Natural as Breathing," which has a male/male couple, many are male/female with the female being spanked) ankles. Big admission :D- well it might be big for some, but I'm pretty sure my regular readers won't be surprised- I only wear under when I need to during my period or for a Renaissance festival costume. So from a practical stand point, I don't get the panties-around-the-ankles thing, it being part of the punishment. I even have this idea about the phrase "lady like" that I'm going to try to get my Master to take part in :D.

Continuing along the "as a writer" thought, I wanted to touch on the notion of an erotica/erotic romance writer's sex life. One of the things that had originally provoked this post was a friend on Facebook asking (big summary of a bunch of comments here) if it didn't ruin the mystique of an author with me talking about ageplay not being my thing. I looked over the posts about ageplay that I'd posted around that time; well I couldn't find anything that said I actively disliked ageplay, just that my Master does, while I find the idea quite intriguing. My gut instinct was that to be angry that she was taking my Master's dislike as my own. However, re-reading her comments, I came to the conclusion that she was pondering a bunch in words on things she didn't necessarily understand so no, no reason to be angry. It was one of those moments for me though when I want to ask someone "You're into BDSM, why don't you understand?" But "BDSM" is such a large umbrella term- there is all too much of "Ew. I don't understand your kink, but I want you to respect mine." in the various BDSM communities. So I'm stating here, at least the way it works for my Master and me, what He likes or dislikes sexually does not keep me from liking or disliking something- sure it limits the way I can explore something, but it doesn't change my interest. Like I find enemas totally erotic- He finds them disgusting- so I write about them, watch pornography featuring them.


  1. Interesting topic, Joelle. It's funny, certain things that I write into stories, I would never try or be inclined to even watch but because I live my characters as I write them, I extrapolate that they like what they're getting ... or not, as the enema scene in Grit between Cassidy and Zack proves. Cassidy didn't exactly like it, but Zack knew he needed hard play that night to blow off steam from a bad scene that he witnessed as an LAPD detective. I wouldn't be into it either but it was necessary for the plot and for those characters.

    A while back, I watched a scene with my very favorite MM porn actor Arpad Miklos (who committed suicide last Feb) where he has this scene with another actor who sucks his gorgeous toes. I'm not one that's into feet but his were pretty. In that moment, in that scene, it was a turn on because you could see how much the guys liked it. Arpad went right to his favorite past time, rimming, afterward so he was really ramped up. Sometimes turn ons surprise me

    1. very true, Patricia. It's not at all that simple and something we like one day, we might not like the next. And definitely on the "living as one's characters." In the side plot with Abrecan, I've had that because what he needs as a person with an abuse history and drug abuse issues, he needs very specific things from his dom that I'm not interested in, except in fiction. That's coming in my 3rd book; it'll be interesting to see what you think of the scene, with the enema scene with Zack and Cassidy. I still think fondly on Zack's aftercare for that scene- he was the best dom.

  2. Very interesting, Joelle. I find it embarrassing when the hero lowers the heroines panties to her knees or ankles and makes her stay like that. I'd rather he rip them off...lol.But that's just me. I still love spanking stories. I figure what I like someone else may not but that's okay:)

    1. lol rip them off :D idk, Mary. I continue to ask "why is it embarrassing?" Because I don't get. thanks goodness we can all find something we like :)