As I sat thinking of my Wednesday post,
I considered all the books I have to review and then I wandered to
rtkdungeoncrawl.com to see if there was a sign up before I got too
thick into planning something that wouldn't work for the crawl. Well
there was the sign up. In making up a draft post to sign up, I came
up with the title "What am I doing?" With everything I've
been thinking about the complex issues of sexuality in my life
(including things like sexual, relationship, sexual practice
orientations), that "doing" seemed so important to
consider.
I was engaged in doing the laundry and
thought "what am I do?" It was a generalized vent in that
moment- being a lifestyle submissive to a Man who is currently too
injured for much BDSM activity makes the serving the focus and
serving becomes and/or feels like caregiving rather than serving too
often. Of course this makes me think about how I stand in difference
from much of the erotic romance I've read- so often the focus seems
to be on new relationship, on figuring out those early things in a
relationship... not more than a decade later when bodies have more
fat on them, less health, when sometimes "how to pay the
mortgage" becomes more important a question than "were you
kneeling precisely the way you're supposed to when I get home."
To catch at something from my first
paragraph, I want to talk about the complexity of my identity. After
all, it led Jolynn Raymond to want me to guest on her blog to talk
about being a queer woman married to a man- yeah, that's the next
thing on my writing schedule if I can get over being pissed at my
Master for trying to wake me at 4 am (again) because He was finally
coming to bed (damn meds) and was interested in sex (like He hadn't
been when I was awake and had asked Him if He'd like a BJ). When
asked about my sexual identity, I use 3 words- queer, poly, and
kinky. Yes, giving those words, I expect the next moment, I'll be
engaged in educating the person to whom I'm talking.
Do come on to Jolynn's blog tomorrow- I'll be talking more about "queer" there. Here I'm going to summarize that heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual don't work for me. While atm I'm only involved intimately with my Master, I do identify as polyamorous because we do have a non-monogamous relationship. In fact, there's the household joke (my teen's included in this one) of "If Mom found 'Ms Right' then there'd be a second mom in the house.)
And finally kinky. I'm not sure quite when or how kinky started to be used as a word in place of BDSM practitioner or other such terms. Here seems to be a tricky spot for me- so many assumptions of what being a lifestyle submissive means. I still mean to answer the author's questions on an article I found on "Submissive Guide" about the "myth of mindset of a 24/7 submissive." I hope reading what I've written so far, you can deal I'm not a beaten down domestic abuse survivor nor the BDSM erotica paradigm of submission; although I will end the sentence with "Master," it may very well start with a "Fuck You," if He's being a child. I think I read something like this is Kate Bornstein's "Gender Outlaw," so consider this a paraphrase or condensing of her thoughts- but like a parent doesn't stop being a parent just because his/her/hir child is at school, I don't stop being a submissive just because I'm not kneeling naked beside my Master's recliner ( or whatever image of a female submissive a person has.)
Do come on to Jolynn's blog tomorrow- I'll be talking more about "queer" there. Here I'm going to summarize that heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual don't work for me. While atm I'm only involved intimately with my Master, I do identify as polyamorous because we do have a non-monogamous relationship. In fact, there's the household joke (my teen's included in this one) of "If Mom found 'Ms Right' then there'd be a second mom in the house.)
And finally kinky. I'm not sure quite when or how kinky started to be used as a word in place of BDSM practitioner or other such terms. Here seems to be a tricky spot for me- so many assumptions of what being a lifestyle submissive means. I still mean to answer the author's questions on an article I found on "Submissive Guide" about the "myth of mindset of a 24/7 submissive." I hope reading what I've written so far, you can deal I'm not a beaten down domestic abuse survivor nor the BDSM erotica paradigm of submission; although I will end the sentence with "Master," it may very well start with a "Fuck You," if He's being a child. I think I read something like this is Kate Bornstein's "Gender Outlaw," so consider this a paraphrase or condensing of her thoughts- but like a parent doesn't stop being a parent just because his/her/hir child is at school, I don't stop being a submissive just because I'm not kneeling naked beside my Master's recliner ( or whatever image of a female submissive a person has.)
So what am I doing? I'm not cleaning. I
should be cleaning but reference the "pissed off at Master about
lack of sex and BDSM when I'm awake." Teen's off at grandparents
so there's no home education work for me to do. I should be getting
"Out of the Night: Book One" up on Amazon, B&N, and
ARe- even though I can't stand to think of all the steps for that
work and my fear/assumption that eventually Amazon won't be an
option, ARe and B&N probably too as I get into deeper fetishes
and taboos in my stories and I'm just not willing to censor a story.
There's posts/articles to write and I'm trying. I'm thinking I may
have to go to the mall, sit in a massage chair (remember the "Massage Chair Beating" I shared on the crawl?) and buy myself something
at Target because I plan to get yoga pants and a shirt to wash in my
sun block detergent (among many chronic health issues, I include
"allergy to the sun") so I can go to the beach down the
street from my house... maybe, some day, I don't know because both
teen and Master pissed me off in their own ways when I tried to talk
to them.
Yeah, I'm thinking today that this
lifestyle submissive may be doing for herself and telling the rest of
the world to fuck off. Because I know what I want and right now, it's
not to be pissed off.