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...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
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Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Topic Tuesday- Problems and Solutions

it is said that as a problem arises, so does the solution. This week it is all about how that is true in our lives. What issues big and small have you overcome this week, month or year? Were they easy? What did you learn?
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So Jeff gave us something deep, thoughtful this week- I'm not sure if I'm in my fit of depression, bad mood that I'll do any better in it than my nano-novel.

Looking back on my life, I can see some places where I did something that I thought was a solution to a problem but only caused several more problems, some are even problems that continue to today (thinking on ridiculous ex husband and looking forward to teen being 18 so I have even fewer reasons to deal with jack ass.)

The most enduring problem in my life however is my mother, the fact that she is completely disrespectful of any boundaries, unaffectionate (except when it suits her ends), and manipulative. I was already in teenage rebellion before I got to my teen years; while her memory of my childhood doesn't come close to mine <need an eye-rolling icon here>, I *knew* that I wasn't valuable to her except in the ways she could show me off to her friends and acquaintances. Well teenage rebellion didn't really help me, didn't get me away from the emotional abuse any faster. I picked a small liberal arts college, mainly thinking to get away, while I probably should have picked an urban school; a nervous breakdown later, I was kicked out of college, back in my parents' home, and taking lithium. Nope, that didn't help the problem of my mother. Made a whole crap load more bad mistakes- got pregnant unplanned, got married to someone I didn't love, moved away- trying to put more physical and/or mental distance between her and I.

In many ways, I look at my Master as the solution to all that. Well not exactly Him- I used the phrase "He saved me" once with a UU minister friend who took that phrase in a rather more mundane, mainstream way. My Master didn't so much save me, come riding in like a knight in shining armor, but He encouraged me to make choices- remove myself from the bad marriage and be with Him full time, figure out the ways in which my mother continues to hurt me, figure out what needs to change, and stick with those boundaries. Like the list I have, which every time I go to visit my family, He reminds me of:

1) If the car I drive isn't safe for the 2.5 hour drive, no visit is happening. It is NEVER okay for me to be dependent on my parents for transportation anywhere.

2) 3 days, 2 nights is the longest acceptable visit... and I have to remember to pack up my stuff and head home earlier if my mother can't be nice and respectful.

3) If money is too tight for me to bring my own food, no visit is happening. Wondering if she'll be "okay" about me being vegan or not is too much stress on my recovering anorexic, hypoglycemic body. And referring to #2, if she questions me buying something because she's made choices that have messed up my eating schedule, the second part of #2 needs to happen. I was so angry when she questioned me buying a frozen lemonade for myself and my teen at the zoo last visit- I was getting sick due to improper fast food (hello? she took a vegan to a Church's Chicken when a Burger King was available) and had me outside for a lengthy time (yup, another health problem, I'm allergic to the sun and have to be super careful when outside for longer than 15 minutes at a time).

Especially the second half of #2, I need to work on. The visit that included the trip to the zoo, that was just barely 24 hours and my mother managed to behave so unacceptably in so many ways. But I wanted to go to a UU church nearer their house than mine, so I tried to put up with her. Nope, I can't think of anything important enough to ignore Master's heatedly reminded second part of #2.
Topic Tuesday Blog Hop

10 comments:

  1. *HUGS* You are the most important person in your universe! I can understand and relate to the issues with your mother. Mine is narcissistic and sees nothing wrong with how she behaves or the things she says. If you can continue a relationship with her, always do it on your terms. And if you can't, it's on her not you.

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    1. It's a tricky one... that same UU minister friend? He asked once why I even have any relationship and why I don't ask my dad to visit without her. But yeah, the 3 rules are a decent start and if I started to manage the second part of #2 more often; my Master'll actually say stuff like "you need to leave now" talking to me on fb- He was pretty angry at my mother this last visit. Money was fine- He hadn't said anything about not spending, so I bought things when I needed to. And she mocked and sniped about my spending.

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  2. Respect and love should be there- and I agree with the second part of number two-

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    1. interesting- you know that "should" has been one of the problems of my life. Some of the bad mistakes I've made, I can label as "a mother should..." because I would sit there with how I thought a mother shouldn't be doing what my mother was

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  3. Parents can really do a number on their kids heads. I had a great relationship with my mom until I became a teenager but that was because I became a brat on steroids. My mom simply tried to cope as best she could with a naughty kid. My friend was not so lucky. Both of her parents were alcoholics when she was growing up and it made her life a living hell. It's funny, all these years later, she limits her visits to her parents to 2-3 days at a time exactly the way you do. Even though they've been sober for many years, their relationship with her was irrevocably damaged because of their drinking. I'm so glad that you have such an amazing man by your side. It sounds like he takes very good care of you.

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    1. it's sad, sometimes I've wished my mother was addicted to something, or that the abuse was physical so I'd have some "proof." Like "my mother is a bitch" leaves something to be desired to explain. I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out the mess between boundary and forgiveness. A small part of me always hopes she'll apologize, but no, it's not likely. She isn't going to take responsibility, and as her health fails, she expects me to be there.

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  4. Thank you so much for the wonderful post! I am sorry that you have so many issues with your mother. I think He has good advice for you.

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    1. :) it's a bit funny, He'll vent sometimes- and what happens when you listen to me? I'm really working on the second part of #2. As we come towards Thanksgiving and Christmas, yeah, I get further stressed. So far, I've set T-giving in the way I want. Christmas, well that'll be its own stress. I think last year, we actually left after the family dinner and gifts were done. I don't know about this year

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  5. You never cease to amaze me with your honesty and straightforward approach to life, Joelle. Some people have book smarts and some have street smarts. Both are valuable and it's evident you don't forget what you've learned. I'm proud to know you. =)

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    1. thanks, Kage :) I don't know... I've just always found the closet too hard a place to be. although having just watched a documentary titled "Bridegroom" (for tomorrow's blog post) about a same sex couple where the parents of one man cut the other one out of the funeral and everything after an accidental death, wow. I can't imagine being anything but out. Being quieter about it didn't help them- though it does give me the pause about the "heterosexual privilege" that allows me to say to my Master, my legal husband: I don't give a shit what my mother wants... if I die before You, I hope You do what I would have wanted, not what that bitch wants. but then I'm feeling the need to insulate atm... don't want anyone who needs educated to being opened toward GLBTQI folk around

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