Dear, sweet diary...
Back home. Does home mean something else now? That I feel I left a piece of my heart with Andrew and Joey? It was a very good week though, the time spent with them, learning more about them. It might seem premature to some, but I'm most definitely in love. In love with Joey, with Andrew, with them a whole unit. Very romantic word choice, huh? :D Some erotic romance author I am. But yes, this LDR thing will take some getting used to. I wonder if we'll need space, Joey and I especially, after these constant times together. idk... should I find myself an online support group for Bigs in LDR? Living in Seattle, I imagine I could find some sort of Big/little local community that might help, but I think this is a time for looking online.
But I don't want to wait, I don't want to give space. Even if it's just in words, I wanna wrap Joey up in my arms and hold her close, brush her hair. And I want to kiss Andrew again, feel his strength. I've never felt this way about a cisgender man before. I don't know what's gotten into me. Although I think I really need to keep that phrase out of it. I need to just let this be, as much as I can. After all, this isn't something in a book for me to plot out. This is all so fast, at least it seems fast. I've never believed in love at first sight; I've even avoided reading it, using pacing in novels to make the story more believable to me, fighting against formulas.
What would I do if they asked me to move closer to them? Or move in with them? My first instinct is to scream yes, but what of the community here, the urbanity here? Could I really be happy down there? My life would shrink to the three of us and the internet. There isn't any kink community there, at least not that Andrew or Joey commented on, there is no GLBT community. But the expression in Joey's eyes, when she first saw me in person, when she realized I was there, that I could hold her for real. Does dating always have to me "physically spending time together at some point"?
I am happy though, even for all this confusion, or maybe because of it. I do enjoy a good riddle. Andrew commented early on that Joey was seeming more content and I'm feeling that too. I need to read more about pet play, maybe see if there's a class coming up at the community center about it- I'd love to know more about this activity that they seem to enjoy so much.
It was only days after Joey had become my little girl that I first asked her to write for me. Now I think I'm going to write for her. Like any dominant, I'll have to consider what I want to share, what I shouldn't, but I think she might do with understanding a piece of what I get out of being her Mommy. First to look for a support group where I feel "right" again and then to write. I'll see if she comes online, or if Andrew texts me; just that "I'm glad you're safe" when I'd texted that I'd made it home okay. "We already miss you," he'd texted. Me too.
(UPDATE: so this was the last of Mara's "Mommy Blogs," but as we pull close to another Nanowrimo, I am working on "Mommy" again, with the hope to finish it before Nanowrimo arrives because I have a new idea to work on in this November... the idea of two erotic romance authors in a long distance relationship :D)