This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Monday, April 29, 2013

The problem with assumptions

There are few places I go anymore where I'm not "out" as a BDSM erotic romance author and lifestyle submissive. Much of my online life- which is far more active and complex than my existence in the hopelessly uptight little white bred, company town that I live in- is spent in places where I don't have to censor myself. My Master is "my Master," although occasionally I'll use "my Dominant" when interacting in a place where people aren't into BDSM as a sort of easier-to-deal-with term, at least until I get the chance to educate.

I wonder if it's because of how out I am, I seem to hear more stereotypes and myths, more often than not more a well-meaning, but curious person assuming that I must be one way because of some label I wear. I've heard everything from "You must be naked all the time, being M/s [Master/slave]" to "Since you're vegan, do you swallow your Master's cum when you're giving Him a BJ?" (LOL yes I do :D. While yeah, you could say that semen is an animal product, Master isn't kept in a cramped stall, hooked up to machines that take His semen from Him. And He quite enjoys that I swallow. I'm willing to let that one go. I'm not a vegan to whom things are black/white and unchangeable.)

So that was a pretty light-hearted paragraph, but dealing with assumptions isn't always so. As a lifestyle submissive, I've had to deal with people assuming I'm a doormat, that my Master abuses me- ah, I chose this life, I begged His collar, fully knowing what I was doing. I have a very strained relationship with most people who identify as feminists, even though I'm growing interest in "3rd wave feminism" and "sex positive feminism." I'm still not sure there's a place for me in that political movement- it seems on the surface level at least that I should be a feminist (I believe in equality for the genders) but I've had too many self-proclaimed feminists tell me I've made the wrong decisions, that I simply can't be happy as a submissive, as a homemaker.

Beyond that sort of problem, there's another problem I see as an "kinkster"- yes, I struggle with this phrase, but it's less cumbersome than "BDSM practitioner," which would be my preferred term. I know some of you will have seen my previous mentions on this blog of Leather &Grace UUs for BDSM Awareness. That would be another big part of my life, my online life as I mentioned in my first paragraph. This year, we're engaged in the "No More Silence 2013" campaign- we kinksters want to be acknowledged in our faith community and we want to know that our identity isn't going to led to us being asked to leave our congregations. One problem I and other kinksters I've known have run into among some Unitarian Universalists is this notion that merely identifying as a kinkster is talking about sex. This to me is an assumption of the worst and most hateful variety. When I say "I am a lifestyle submissive" I am talking about my identity, a piece of who I am, not what my Master and I do in our bedroom. Believe me :D I'll talk about the latter too, but I'm smart enough to know that during a church service is not the time to say "my Master threw me down on the bed and fucked my ass." :D But there seems to be this assumption about kinksters, what we will or won't say, and that we want for anything to be acceptable. Whether we prefer SSC or RACK, for the majority of BDSM practitioners that I know, consensuality is very important.

Please make sure to come back on Thursday when I somewhat return to the notion of assumptions, but specifically looking at terms in BDSM- like Master, slave, Daddy, Dom, submissive, switch- and what they can mean.

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