BDSM titles and why they are slippery

I'm thinking I may be more "rambly" than usual here, but I can't bring myself to be upset, because I'm often rambly lmao.

Terms, terms. The English language sure is pretty crazy. Add a subculture's language and it can get worse. Now I admit, you can go to Wikipedia. They even have a page of BDSM terminology (and I'm tickled to see I actually like their definition for "slave" better than many a BDSM site's I've read.) However, I'd rather point you to definitions on sites written by BDSM practitioners.

From a site that has pages that I want to explore a lot more later for my own interest and education: I found these definitions of "submissive" and "slave."

"submissive: An individual who gives up power in a BDSM relationship for the mutual pleasure of those involved."

"slave: Often used interchangeably with submissive. However, generally reflecting a more intense level of submission or non-sexual or sexual-plus submission. For example, a slave might be someone who remains in a 24-hour-per-day submission and cooks, cleans and, otherwise, takes care of a dominant's house. See submissive."

This is amazing in that the "slave" definition doesn't irritate or offend me; a long time ago, I'd stopped looking at definition sites like this unless I was specifically looking up something I didn't know- like yesterday, I was doing a survey and found I didn't have a clue what they meant by "skin stapling" (also defined in the glossary on the linked site). Yes, "slave" tends to be more intense that "submissive." There are those possibilities for 24/7, whatever that looks like in any given relationship.

From another site I found. I admit, I'm not as interested in checking out the rest of the website (at the bottom of the page are the links to the other pages on the site) because they did a specific thing I hate. No matter how a Master/slave couple live, no matter how they might role play, consensual BDSM slavery is not the same thing as chattel slavery. From my US perspective, no African consented to be ripped from their family, their life and brought over to the colonies, then the US before the Civil War and the passage of the 13, 14, 15th Amendments to the Constitution. But now compare the two definitions for submissive, the two for slave. How different they are!

"submissive- The person not in charge, the one that has things done to them by someone else. To yield to the control or power of another."

"Slavegirl/boy- A title/term for those that "live" as a submissive. Webster's- A human being who is owned as property by another; a person having no freedom or personal rights."

Now let's look at slave. That's the identity I wear- although when I'm talking non-BDSM practitioners, I tend to use "lifestyle submissive"- it hurts "their" heads slightly less. I've seen things like "subs have a choice, slaves don't." Really? I gave up any right or ability to make choices when I accepted my Master's collar? That was never something He and I agreed to. It's not even something He wants! He'll even tease, sometimes get irritated with me if I start asking permission for every little thing, like some BDSM erotic novel slave. Sure, I'm not likely to tell Him no directly, unless it's on something really important to me that I believe in- He and I don't agree entirely on parenting practices and there have been some arguments in which I didn't submissively accept His opinion on something. In the "slavegirl/boy" definition, the one I don't entirely care for, you notice the "live" as a submissive part, right? Pretty ambiguous, if you ask me?

So we looked at definitions around submissive/slave- two of the most debated words in my experience in the BDSM community. Online forums have given me much amusement debate watching. Often it starts innocently. A person new to BDSM, new to a group will ask a question like "What's the difference between a Daddy and a Dom?" She/he/ze doesn't mean to start an argument, doesn't mean to have people get their feelings hurt. The conversation will go well for awhile, with people thoughtfully sharing THEIR experience and claiming it as such. Then someone will make a generalization about some group. And in my experience, it's not just a generalization, but a fairly offensive one. Then the "I'm a ___, but that isn't MY reality" type sentences might start. One of the most common mistakes I see is where someone who identifies as dominant gets put out by someone who identifies as submissive - however these two roles are specifically called by them- usually something like "you're not showing me proper respect." I've managed this one. I may identify as a slave, but I'm only my Master's slave. He doesn't expect nor indeed wish me to submit to any dominant besides Him- this matches well with my wishes, which are to be just show a regular level of manners to any person who isn't Him. Yup, just because your screen name is capitalized and mine isn't doesn't mean a thing to me.

I'll share a story that I didn't on Tuesday- in the assumptions' post. Because I have a Master, because I live in a Master/slave relationship, I hear some pretty funny- at least to me- assumptions of what my life would be like. One friend, also a BDSM practitioner, assumed I would always be naked- because of the M/s dynamic. Well always being naked might work in a BDSM erotic novel, but not the world I live in. We have a teen, we have dogs, there's cooking for me to do... all sorts of things that require me to wear clothes! Plus I do regularly leave the house, and there are public decency laws to be concerned with.

So a term I used earlier... what is a Daddy? I want to send you to a website: http://a-little-understanding.webs.com/whatisadaddydom.htm Please take the time to read the whole page (even the whole site would be good). The first paragraph does give the largest part of the definition, however the last paragraph "Daddy-Dom vs. Master"- well wow! think I have a Daddy, not a Master. However, both He and I are far more comfortable with the term Master. Yes, He does take care of me a lot; I have serious and chronic health issues that mean sometimes He has to order me to do things (like feed myself before Him so my blood sugar doesn't crash) that I don't want to do. He can be rather stern when I start to quibble- "But Master! I'm not really hungry yet. I can get Your food cooking first, Master." Yes, I can even get quite a childish whine going sometimes. And if we're going to focus on the age play mention in the definition, well I carry a pink kid's backpack, have coloring books, love Jelly Bellies, wear clothes we bought in the teen girls' section of the store. When I wanted to have a pair of footy pajamas, we didn't have to go to a special website/store catering to age-players; we went to the local Target and found a set of size 14 pink pajamas with cupcakes on it.

As a friend said when we were chatting: "maybe that's the key that really dom, master, daddy, etc don't necessarily stick to the title. they are just terms to help others identify and understand relationships as openly as poly or open or any other words that relationships can be defined with." (I added some punctuation to help with chatted comment's understandability :D.

I shared the "naked all the time" assumption, but it really is much more than that. I stand to be misunderstood on all sorts of things. Of course- as a slave- I get the "doormat" assumption even more than someone who just considers hir/her/himself to be a submissive. Wanna take the moment to scroll back up to my rant about capitalized screen names? Yeah, I so am not a doormat. I will follow normal societal expectations on manners, but that's it. I'm careful where I go online because any place where "all submissives must appropriately address all Dominants" is not somewhere I want to be. When my Master and I used to go to science-fiction conventions regularly, I amused Him many a time by ripping into some unsuspecting dork who got the wrong idea because of my collar and tried to order me to do something. And that's the thing- sub, submissive, slave, little girl, sissy, whatever s-type-word you want to use- are seen by most as weak. At the risk of sounding trite, making the active decision to put someone else's needs and wants before your own isn't always an easy choice to make. And just because I don't lead my primary intimate relationship doesn't mean I can't lead other things. A friend of mine who identifies as a Top once commented to me- on an acquaintance's disbelief that I'm a submissive, based on my behavior he'd seen never around my Master- on how many BDSM organizations are led by submissives.

But then, as I was doing laundry, I was thinking- does it really matter? Whether I'm a slave, a little, a submissive... what does it really matter as long as the Man I've submitted to is happy?