The problem with assumptions

There are few places I go anymore where I'm not "out" as a BDSM erotic romance author and lifestyle submissive. Much of my online life- which is far more active and complex than my existence in the hopelessly uptight little white bred, company town that I live in- is spent in places where I don't have to censor myself. My Master is "my Master," although occasionally I'll use "my Dominant" when interacting in a place where people aren't into BDSM as a sort of easier-to-deal-with term, at least until I get the chance to educate.

I wonder if it's because of how out I am, I seem to hear more stereotypes and myths, more often than not more a well-meaning, but curious person assuming that I must be one way because of some label I wear. I've heard everything from "You must be naked all the time, being M/s [Master/slave]" to "Since you're vegan, do you swallow your Master's cum when you're giving Him a BJ?" (LOL yes I do :D. While yeah, you could say that semen is an animal product, Master isn't kept in a cramped stall, hooked up to machines that take His semen from Him. And He quite enjoys that I swallow. I'm willing to let that one go. I'm not a vegan to whom things are black/white and unchangeable.)

So that was a pretty light-hearted paragraph, but dealing with assumptions isn't always so. As a lifestyle submissive, I've had to deal with people assuming I'm a doormat, that my Master abuses me- ah, I chose this life, I begged His collar, fully knowing what I was doing. I have a very strained relationship with most people who identify as feminists, even though I'm growing interest in "3rd wave feminism" and "sex positive feminism." I'm still not sure there's a place for me in that political movement- it seems on the surface level at least that I should be a feminist (I believe in equality for the genders) but I've had too many self-proclaimed feminists tell me I've made the wrong decisions, that I simply can't be happy as a submissive, as a homemaker.

Beyond that sort of problem, there's another problem I see as an "kinkster"- yes, I struggle with this phrase, but it's less cumbersome than "BDSM practitioner," which would be my preferred term. I know some of you will have seen my previous mentions on this blog of Leather &Grace UUs for BDSM Awareness. That would be another big part of my life, my online life as I mentioned in my first paragraph. This year, we're engaged in the "No More Silence 2013" campaign- we kinksters want to be acknowledged in our faith community and we want to know that our identity isn't going to led to us being asked to leave our congregations. One problem I and other kinksters I've known have run into among some Unitarian Universalists is this notion that merely identifying as a kinkster is talking about sex. This to me is an assumption of the worst and most hateful variety. When I say "I am a lifestyle submissive" I am talking about my identity, a piece of who I am, not what my Master and I do in our bedroom. Believe me :D I'll talk about the latter too, but I'm smart enough to know that during a church service is not the time to say "my Master threw me down on the bed and fucked my ass." :D But there seems to be this assumption about kinksters, what we will or won't say, and that we want for anything to be acceptable. Whether we prefer SSC or RACK, for the majority of BDSM practitioners that I know, consensuality is very important.

Please make sure to come back on Thursday when I somewhat return to the notion of assumptions, but specifically looking at terms in BDSM- like Master, slave, Daddy, Dom, submissive, switch- and what they can mean.

Fully submitting?

What does it mean to fully submit? I see this question often enough on the various BDSM spots I go to on the Internet. Beyond the English grammar person in me objecting to the split infinitive- changing it to "What does fully submitting mean?" or even better "What does fully submitting mean mean to you in a BDSM context?"- I object to the question from a real life point of view. I often want to ask a person asking such a question- do you expect to live in real life or in a BDSM erotic book? Yeah, I know that's pretty funny, my question since I write BDSM erotic romance. Take some minutes with here though and I'm going to answer this question both as me and then Vala will get a chance.

First off, I really struggle with what being fully submitted even means. I'm reading Cari Silverwood's "TakeMe, Break Me" at the moment. I love her premise for the book- at least how I'm going to summarize it- a female artist wants to film an experimental documentary of a capture fantasy. She asks a former lover and now good friend to help her with this project. At some point, things change for the both of them. She has written the book in chapters alternating between the artist's and the male friend's perspective. The man, who is cast in the "Dominant" role, finds himself thinking on how parts of the experiment can be sustained "in real life," but that some parts can't be; after all what can be done during a month-long vacation doesn't match exactly what can be done when there's housework, bills to pay etc etc to do. That's one of the things I struggle with getting people to understand when I saw I'm a lifestyle submissive. My life is not one constant BDSM erotic romance novel. While I don't work outside the house, there are dogs, a kid to take care. There're meals to cook- and no, I don't do that in the nude because it's not safe. Nor do I take our dogs outside while I'm nude- I do live around other people and none of them are nudist, at least that I know of. Nor do I ask my Master for permission for every little thing that I do- He doesn't want me to do that; that'd make an outrageous amount of work for Him to do. Yes, if I'm at the grocery store, for instance, I'll think of what He'd want first, most of the time; I don't always do what He'd want.

Now Vala's turn:

I often think on the words from my collaring ceremony. That every where I went, every thing I did would be as an order that I couldn't refuse. Yes, gorgeous words, especially as The Queen was saying them. But how realistic are those words, in practice? In those places Joelle mentioned, I think more often than not, the question is being asked by monogamous people. What does "fully submit" mean in a situation like The Queen's, where we submit first to him, then to our Lords Tommy and Simon, and then for fourth class slaves, to their dominants? While it sounds pretty, looks pretty on a Facebook meme, that "all mine" doesn't have quite the same ring when we're looking at something from a polyamorous perspective. Of course, the fact of my unusual training (from The Queen's perspective when speaking on his more common style of training his new slaves) might have a lot of impact on my thoughts here. I also think the question begs being further questioned- to whom? to what? Again, my polyamorous perspective is going to change things here from the vaunted "all mine." Yes, The Queen is my Master- I still giggle at my silliness early in my training when Prisca calling Him "Master" confused me- but I also submit to my Lords Simon and Tommy. They are in a higher class than me and it's not for me to question if The Queen would ever move me up to first class like them- is that line of thinking mean I'm "fully submitted" to The Queen? Shrugs. The fact is, just like Joelle to her Master, sometimes I like to brat at those with authority over me. Sure, I chose this authority structure, this complex relationship, but The Queen didn't my brain out of my head and put it in a jar when He collared me. Like sometimes I'll sass my Lord Simon just to see if he'll throw me over his lap and spank me- sometimes he even does lol.

Although I'm really thinking on a recent thing- I'm sure Joelle would like to beat me for this one, but she's a writer so she's only insane enough to write as me, not enough to really really believe I'm a real person- that happened that I find somewhat amusing. No, we're not going to engage in the blame game- although I'm pointing at Joelle on this one :D- but if you didn't notice from her haphazard posting, Joelle's been pretty sick this month. Flu and recovery from it sidetracked her a bunch. Well she was sorta kinda writing during all that, but not thinking to back up to her box.net account, so when her flash drive broke (as in the plastic casing broke) a few days ago, she was freaking. Two of her beta readers had PDFs of my second and third books that were newer than what she had- remember, she forgot to back up? Well she found out that Adobe Acrobat charges a yearly fee of $19.99 to be able to get PDFs converted to Word docs, rtf, and text files. So when her Master didn't immediately say yes, she went to the store to get Him cola (for a rum-n-coke) and then bought dinner (convenience foods) for all of them, spending $23-something. Pretty bratty, huh? Well she's still working on the reformatting of books 2 and 3 of my series, since she'd had to "save as text" from those PDFs. She should have backed up and then not had a reason to get angry at her Master, right??

Hm... I think I'll go The Queen to flog me. Take care of you and yours.

Impact Play- a NSFW education topic :D

Impact play. What is that? Why does The Queen enjoy it so much?

I'm going to start you off with two links. I started off wanting to give you a definition. "Impact play" isn't a term that gets used much in my household. My Master does not say "I want to engage in impact play now."- no, He throws me down on the bed, binds me spread eagle using the under-the-bed-bondage system (I think this one from Spencer's Gifts is the one my Master bought http://www.spencersonline.com/product/Ss-Pb-Under-Bed-Restraint-Kit/ ). Now for non-item links. Sadly it looks like nothing new has been done on this site since 2008 http://www.differentequals.com/ . However, instead of using Wikipedia.com, this is a site written by BDSM practitioners for BDSM practitioners. They have a wide variety of articles, both from Dominant and submissive perspectives. Here's a link to the glossary they'd presented: http://www.differentequals.com/glossary.html . Now mind you- unlike Wikipedia.com they don't have impact play as a term, you have to take the time to read things like "beating," "caning," "whipping" etc separately. Okay, so if you're a complete novice to BDSM, go start at the Wiki- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impact_play . There's even some NSFW pictures to look at.

Now impact play seems a no brainer when educating about BDSM, as so many of the stereotypes about BDSM surround impact play. Spanking with the hand, a paddle, using a crop, a flogger, a cane, a spatula. Yes, a spatula lol. "Pervertibles"- items not originally meant for BDSM use but put to it- is a term coined by slave David Stein (wow the things you learn :D http://spankingart.org/wiki/Pervertible ) Of course there's also hair brushes- like a good thick paddle brush- you know, I was amused to see them used in domestic discipline fiction.

In "Out of the Night: Book One," this interaction occurs between Raanan and Vala during the period of time she's given to ask questions of The Queen's slaves before he formally collars her:

Not ready yet to give up teasing The Queen, Vala asked the room in general, "Is intercourse ever part of a session?"

The Queen's eyes closed to slits.

Hm, I wonder if I can tease him until it gets an orgy started, Vala thought.

"Of course, silly girl." Raanan winked at Vala. "If a Dom gets aroused when beating a slave, why wouldn't he or she use that slave? I love to use an ass I've just made red with my hand."

I'm sure at some point, I've had The Queen joke about the benefits of "playing" in one's home, rather than in a public space. Indeed, my Master and I rarely engage in BDSM activities like impact play in public play spaces because He and I don't care to separate those activities from intercourse.

One thing about impact play- I've found that people not into BDSM often fail to understand that being hit any old time still isn't interesting or acceptable to people into BDSM. If someone other than my Master hit me, I'd be rather angry, react rather extreme hostility- it's His collar around my neck, not anyone else's. And levels of activity that send my orgasms into higher intensity don't feel so good when I'm standing at the sink doing dishes and my Master out of nowhere does them- nah, He doesn't generally do that, although He'll engage in lighter levels of play whenever possible.

So The Queen agreed to write a paragraph for me and here he is:

Throughout Vala's Story, Joelle has shown me engage in a wide variety of impact play with my slaves. With my store rooms of BDSM implements, I admittedly have more choices than your average BDSM practitioner. Do not think for one second that makes me neglect my hands, or for that matter, think that I am better than those with only a small toy bag. Playing around the BDSM as a teen, before I was old enough for much more than fumbling, not old enough to get into stores where I could buy "the real thing," I found that I actually enjoyed being spanked, being whipped, WHEN IT WAS MY CHOICE! This was not anything like the abuse from my useless mother. But oh, when us "rent boys" would enjoy each others' company between tricks. Then as my dear friend Lady Audrey helped me out of that scene, as she helped me forward into healthy, consensual BDSM. And having Tommy as an adult, and at my mercy. Gods, it was so good to see his skin color as I whipped him, hear his moans at the experience, feel the power rushing through my body knowing that he was submitting to what I wanted to do to him. While that amazing feeling of power is there with everything I do in dominating my slaves, I find impact play causes some of the most satisfying releases of such energy. As far as BDSM activities go, I think that impact play- at least for me- has such a fulling power exchange is because it is one of those things most unacceptable outside BDSM. Of course, I always enjoy how the diversity of skin colors in my stable allows me to enjoy just that many more shades of skin colored by impact play.

Dark and light, light and dark... small and great, large and tiny

So Joelle's friend Cassandra suggested I write about my thoughts on colors. I'm game. I'm not sure what I'll write- or how The Queen may decide to use it, if he deigns to read this- but I'm going to try not to imagine that too much lol.

Color, so many meanings to color. As The Queen, Iona, and various other slaves gave me books about different sorts of paganism to read- then our minister too gave some books- I was fascinated to see how much about the use of color was in these books. All the tables of correspondences. I didn't realize how much thought went into it as Iona called the quarters, worked with the candle that she gave to my Lady Kaya before her marriage to Billy. Especially when she later told me that she didn't have any of that written out; she called out deity names as she remembered them, for instance.

Then moving away from religion, there's the many ways that color enters the clothing choices The Queen makes for us slaves. There're our robes, color coded to class. I'm always struck by the deep, brilliant scarlet of my Lord Tommy and Simon's robes. Then as I've moved classes and my robe color has changed. Wow! What a powerful experience, the two times it's happened. Of course there's the training uniform. Although The Queen's even changed that. All that black. The black g-string. The black leather harness. The black collar. Although the latter two having their bits of metal from buckles and such. It was almost startling to see Eoin in the g-string and harness, but no black posture collar- no, it was one of the locking metal collars that The Queen has changed us all to. Somehow, that locking metal collar, the fact that it is stainless steel, and not black, makes the BDSM we live seem so much more real to me. It isn't some kinky porn we're living here. At least, that one less piece of black seems to say that to me.

One thing being The Queen's slave has taught me is how one's perspective can really change what you notice. Like there were carpet colors I didn't really notice in some rooms until I had to crawl through there. Or The Queen's hair. Those deep, dark black strands that so often act like a shield against anything but him when he's using me and is on top. Or those gorgeous blue of his eyes.

Hm, shaking myself. Well that was a moment, wasn't it? I'm not sure who needs sex more, Joelle or me. I guess it's a good thing that even color things like that still get Joelle rhapsodizing about her Master or me about The Queen. I believe there are two men who have BJs coming as soon as we can give them :D.

Thinking again about uniforms, robes, street clothes. Considering the diversity of skin tones in The Queen's stable, all the way to my pale, pale peach skin to the obsidian blackness of Mandisa's skin to the dark reddish brown of my beloved Soma's skin. Of course the blackness of the uniform is entrancing as its background of our bodies change. I think there are few things I enjoy seeing more on Soma's body than a lemon yellow night gown. Especially the silk one I bought her. The way it highlights her skin, her hair.

Shaking myself again. Gods, I am oversexed :D.

Street clothes make me think of The Queen's jeans. Mostly that standard blue denim. Although he does have a few pairs of black jeans that are such a lovely change of pace when he decides to wear those. I really like to look at the small of his back against those black jeans. The tips of his black hair reaching down toward the jeans, revealing and concealing the paleness of his skin. The smattering of his dark body hair covering his skin.

I think it's something about the dark and the light. While Joelle's Master isn't nearly as pale as The Queen, he also has dark hair. "A dark, luscious brown that makes me think of a nice cup of espresso," I think Joelle would say. And Joelle, the lucky girl, has a Master who is far closer to the idea of a "bear" from the gay community, well in his body if not his sexuality. Lovely, dark body hair. While I enjoy jeans on The Queen, she enjoys dark plaid lounge pants, especially watching them slip as her Master takes them off, baring more of his skin. Dark and the light. Opposites. Maybe it is about those opposites, like the opposite of The Queen's dominance to my submission, Joelle's attempts at controlling her chaos in response to her Master's desire for order. And something in that darkness also leads to a feeling of smallness, for both Joelle and me.

What are safewords? Why use them? Why don't I use them? Why doesn't Vala have one?

I want to start by sharing a conversation between a beta reader and myself when I asked her for a suggestion of a BDSM practice/activity/philosophy that she'd like to know more about- she's not personally into BDSM, so much of our conversation about it, especially in terms of my writing, is a practice in education for me.

BR: did you post about "safe word" and how that works? Me: hm, no, not a whole post. since I don't personally use safewords, and The Queen only uses them in the beginning of a relationship, moving away from them once trust is formed like you'll notice that Vala has none. The Queen and her had months to build a trust relationship before there was any bdsm activity between them

So Wikipedia.org gives us a nice encyclopedic article to start considering safewords. I'm happy to see that the author(s) mentioned both "safe, sane, and consensual" and "risk aware consensual kink" philosophies. It also answers my BR's "how that works" part quite succinctly. It was interesting in the conversation that continued past the part I'm sharing, I found myself explaining about how they work by saying why they don't work well for me.

Yes, this made me laugh out loud, but there are good points within the tongue-in-cheek 13 suggestions in this article. Never having used safewords regularly, it's mostly just a laugh.

And we get to some of why I don't use safewords and importantly why The Queen doesn't generally. I don't "play" in public play spaces generally. Usually by law or by custom- with law being a bigger deterrent- sexual intercourse cannot happen during BDSM activities in public play spaces. As I don't want my BDSM separated from a loving relationship, I don't care to have it separated from genital-based sexuality. I've said in other posts about how I was always looking for a Master and Mistress- I didn't just want casual play. I'm sure there's been times I've put myself at risk not wanting to use safewords. I can comment on how things progressed with my Master best- after all, He's been the only person I've engaged in BDSM activities with in about 13 years now. For us, things started out as vanilla (although polyamorous) sex at first; in fact, I was so shy on meeting Him that my then-husband told Him "My wife wants to have sex with you." After a few weeks of sex (I think, remember my memory of that time is unfortunately fuzzy because of several negative factors), I said "the M word." LOL, my ridiculous ex... in a heated moment during sex, I called my Master "Master" and ex felt the need to say "You know what that means." As if my Master didn't realize I was begging His collar in the only way I knew how at that moment. At this point, I should have said something; see, my Master had never really had a serious BDSM relationship before while I had years experience. But I trusted Him. Yes, I can hear The Queen saying "Justifications!" :D And the thing is, the whole "No no no! Ouch!" game that articles like the second one joke about, that's never been a thing for me. If I actually say "ow," like in the case of our struggles getting me to relax for the anal sex we both love, I'm really saying ow and my Master takes it as "I need to stop and find out what's wrong." However, I know I'm guilty of that very "pushing myself hard not to say anything is wrong even when it's wrong." In part because I have this tendency, my Master has learned to read body language that I can't really fake.

Now with The Queen, there's holes in what you see in Vala's Story. Even the twins, Adan and Ailin, he's already had for months before Vala gets to meet the stable- with the exceptions of Tommy and Simon, of course. Of course, if you've been following my Tuesday series, you've caught the special "in the loft" series. These however are "extra novel" stories- I don't plan to make another edition of "Out of the Night: Book One" to include these stories; Vala wanted to summarize her recovery and time in the loft. But if you aren't paying attention to her, you might miss the fact that she's stolen 6 months of time! That's 6 months of time when The Queen, Simon, and Tommy are the main people Mearr/Vala sees. While she isn't a captive, that type of closeness is going to breed a level of trust that negates the need (as The Queen sees it) for a safeword. And yes, as I've been writing this post, I've repeatedly taken my copy of the print edition of "Out of the Night: Book One" down from the shelf to consider different things. One thing I specifically noticed is before the scene where The Queen and Vala first engage in an active BDSM scene, it's obvious from their conversation beforehand that they've talked about BDSM, quite a bit if you consider some of his comments.

Love and BDSM- from Cari Silverwood

Cari didn't include any links to her books in this, but I've loved what I've read so I'm sharing her Amazon author page. http://www.amazon.com/Cari-Silverwood/e/B005FW2ZI8/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1366123176&sr=1-2-ent

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Love is such an amazing thing, and yet hard to define and difficult to be sure that it’s the same for every relationship. However, taking a stab at defining it, within marriage love demands respect for your partner, a need to see them unhurt and successful, plus a want to please them and to in turn be respected and protected and sexually desired. Sex is certainly a big part of love within a romantic relationship as it’s the one thing that sets it apart from the other types of love that you might have for a friend or a parent or sibling.

People sometimes look at love within a BDSM relationship as wrong or odd or not truly love. After all, they may think, isn’t one partner bossing the other about and probably hitting them? How can that be love?

Yet there are a lot of marriages out there that have come unstuck and the people within them are barely civil to each other, let alone talking to each other.

And it’s the talking and communicating part that is where everything goes haywire. If you cannot talk to your partner about important, in-depth things, how can you be a team?

In my experience, this is why a BDSM relationship starts out ahead. If you have kinky desires there is no way you will ever get your partner to understand you and your needs unless you talk and talk and talk. Texting, writing and sharing learning experiences are good alternative ways of communicating too.

Sharing your kinks can revitalize a marriage, as long as you are both on the same wavelength. And if you are already there, both knowing you want BDSM from the beginning, you have an even bigger headstart.

One of the important love building blocks, respect, is pretty much a given in a Dominance and submission relationship, and that goes both ways. The Dominant respects the submissive and vice versa.

So right there you have the foundations of a great loving relationship – communication, mutual respect, and an enjoyable sexual relationship. Any successful marriage can have these ingredients, of course, BDSM just makes it easier.

And the S and m stuff, I hear you ask? Bearing in mind that S/m isn’t the only kink that people indulge in, the main thing to remember is that at its most basic, all BDSM activities are consensual. All those involved must desire it and all must be able to stop it if they wish to. It doesn’t matter whether you like being tied up, blindfolded, tickled with feathers, or flogged, it happens because that is precisely what you want.

Love is a glorious added extra that can equally flourish in a BDSM relationship as it can within a relationship without kink.

Love and Sex: The Trans Perspective

While this piece isn't about DD, BDSM, or any of that soup of letters that stands for some part of the "kink" world, I invited my friend Tony to write about love from a transgender perspective. It's only been since the Stonewall Riots in 1969 that homosexual people really started getting noticed and getting rights. Normally you see another soup of letters- LGTBQI is one I use most often- to talk about sexual orientation. While I don't know it from a first hand experience- I am a happily cisgender female- I know from seeing friends and activists go through it that the trans experience of love and how others look at it is a source of tension. Remember both that The Queen and his slaves are not perfectly in any box (straight, gay, bi etc) and that even if questions of domination and submission, there are grey areas. I further ask that you read Tony's thoughts with an open mind- yeah, I know, I should expect that from someone on my blog, but I just want to give a reminder.

Ever since I came out as a female to male transgender, these are the two questions I am asked the most:

1. Who Do you want to fall in love with now? Are you gay or straight?

2. So how do you have sex?

Most people would think that I’ve been asked this by only straight individuals; this is not the case. These are questions asked by people are all sexualities, as transgender issues are seldom discussed or explored. People focus far too much on the LGB of the LGBTQ acronym, and while I am only one trans person I am going to answer these two questions. Keep in mind that I do not represent all of us, and my experiences are different.

For all of my life, I have never had a name for my sexuality; I flip-flopped back and forth between heterosexual and bisexual, and often I denied the latter as much as I could. I always just wanted to be a straight person because life is much easier that way, but I knew it didn’t quite fit, just as my given gender identity. Before I came out I dated men, but I was far more passionate about women; I loved them and wanted them, but I was too scared to admit it to myself or others. I’ve always had a close connection with women, and I love listening to them and taking care of them. I pushed the issue under the rug and continued to live the role society wanted me to and tried not to think much about it.

When I finally decided to be myself and stop hiding in July 2012, I realized that now that I had my gender identity figured out, I should start analyzing my sexuality as well. I hadn’t been in a relationship for over a year at that point, and because I had taken myself out of the dating game it was far easier for me to take some time to think about it. At first when people asked me the “gay or straight?” question I answered that I was gay and liked men. It didn’t sound right to me at all, but it was a stock answer and the only thing I could think of at first. I was still stuck thinking that I should like men even though I should’ve known that it doesn’t matter what society thinks, just what my heart wants.

After several months of contemplation and flip-flopping, I finally realized in January 2013 that what I really wanted all along was a girlfriend. I spend all of my time with women, care about what they have to say, think they’re beautiful and that they’re worth all of the time in the world. Women make me happy in ways that men never did, and it is such a relief to be able to say that. I am not, however straight; since I am not a born male I do not see myself as heterosexual. If I am to choose a name for my sexuality, I say “queer” because it makes the most sense. I do not see my sexuality as belonging to one of the well-defined boxes, and the word queer sounds appropriate for the struggles I had figuring out what kind of people I wanted to fall in love and have sex with.

Now that you know that I want to establish relationships with women, it brings us to our next question: how do you have sex? Every time I hear this question I feel the need to laugh. Sexual intercourse is different for every single person, and just because I’m a female to male transgender it doesn’t change. Not all straight people stick to vaginal sex missionary style just like not all gay men have anal sex, for example. To sate your curiosity, however, I will answer this question with my preferences.

While my current girlfriend and I have yet to have sex and it will be my first time having it as a man and not a woman, what I want is exactly the same as what I wanted as a bi-curious girl. Even when I identified as a female, I always wanted to be the dominant person in my relationships. I need a person who is submissive every time we have sex and gives me control over our intimate endeavors, though their wishes will of course be heard and respected. I can never submit to anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary, so when my girlfriend and I are finally intimate we have already agreed to which roles we will take.

When it comes to oral sex, I like to be told by my girlfriend that I have a cock. While I never plan to have bottom surgery and am only relying on the enhancement that testosterone gives me, I am pleased with its size and do not see it as a clitoris; to me it will always be a cock. Before a girl goes down on me, I want her to tell me she’s sucking my cock, not eating me out. Even though I still have a vagina and all of the other female parts, I call it my “boy pussy,” as while I am not ashamed of having the genitalia I have and am content with it there will always be a male element to it.

Finally, this is the part about sex that people ask the most: so are you going to start using a strap-on now so you can have sex? Since I now identify as male, some people try to picture me as a straight man who only tries to pleasure a woman with penetrative sex. I consider oral sex and fingering to be sex, though many straight people do not, but of course I don’t identify as such. However, I do plan on using a strap-on in the future for penetrative sex, but that’s only if the girlfriend that I have wants to be penetrated in that way.

These questions are no different for trans people than they are for straight or gay individuals. Everyone has sex differently, have their own preferences of what they want their anatomy to be called, and have their own names for their sexuality. The problem, however, is that people know so little about transgender issues that few realize that we are just like everyone else, and sex and love are just another part of life. They do not need to be cause for confusion, and while today is not the day these questions will no longer be asked I have confidence that someday people of all gender identities and sexualities will understand that these questions do not matter.

Domestic Discipline (DD) and Love by Patricia Green

Before I get into the meat of this article, I'd like to thank Joelle for having me here today. It's always a pleasure to meet new people. Hello, everyone!

Domestic Discipline (DD) generally refers to a D/s relationship that focuses on one head of household (the dominant party) and one submissive partner. It rarely gets into bondage or sadomasochism, unlike BDSM, but does involve corporal punishment. That corporal punishment is primarily spanking, but there are less physically trying punishments, including "corner time" and "writing lines." It's important to note that this corporal punishment is not about harming anyone. The spanking is on the buttocks only. It's an intimate relationship because it's about two people who care about one another. So, now we're on the same page with regard to DD.

Let's talk about love. Yes, that's a huge topic, but one I've been known to get into quite often in my books and short stories. Like politics and religion, everyone has an opinion and plenty are conflicting. What is love, anyway? Is it intimacy? Is it sex? Is it a necessary element in a lasting power exchange?

I think it's safe to say that love is an intimate emotion. Even a person's love for her best friend is intimate because it is between two people that coexist within a framework of acceptance. A person's love for his/her spouse is perhaps even more intimate because they share so many things, from morning coffee to vacuuming the house, to sex, it's coexisting on a very personal plane. Do these people love each other? Almost certainly, whether they choose to label it that way or not. So maybe we understand a little bit about love.

Is DD about love, too? I'm going to say yes. With a little experience talking to folks who live a DD lifestyle and some direct experience in my 20 year DD relationship, it's easy to see that this is an adult relationship where people care about each other deeply or are falling in love. Why would a head of household (usually the husband) decide to spank his wife if he wasn't trying to teach her to be a better person both inside and outside of their marriage? The boyfriend or husband might want to teach her to control her temper when dealing with difficult situations, or perhaps they have a less personal goal of teaching her to get to work on time. At first, they might argue about these things. He'll have one viewpoint and she'll have another. It might lead to tears, or ugly words exchanged. They love each other, but things are falling apart. Then maybe she'll hear about DD from a friend, coworker, pastor, and she realizes that their goals can be met and harmony can be attained. Would she feel this way if she didn't love her husband, her marriage, the basics of her life? No. This can be applied to many different kinds of adult relationships, from best friends through adult parent/adult child.

Imposed discipline at the seat of the pants can come directly from the head of household if he's already familiar with it. And, so long as he's in control of his own emotions, the DD relationship can flourish and enrich their lives together. However, above all, the foundation has to be a shared hope for cohesiveness.

DD is based on love. It is the melding of two people's goals and aspirations for their relationship together. It's about harmony, and what is more harmonious than two voices working together to create a more salubrious whole?

For some reading involving DD in a romantic setting, I'd like to steer you toward my books. In particular, one of my more recent books, Bourbon & Branch Water.

Fledgling attorney, Stormy Stillwater, wants to make a name for herself with her first case, a dispute over water rights and a bourbon distillery. Unfortunately, the opposing attorney is the guy she met at her brother’s wedding and with whom she had her first one night stand. She’s incredibly embarrassed and yet remains super-attracted to Jeff. Even though she’s certain he’s a playboy, she falls into bed with him all too easily.

Jeff Hand, successful Las Vegas attorney, is taken with Stormy at the outset and tries to show her. He can’t keep his hands off her, nor she him, and it seems like they’re in bed every other minute. Jeff sees how special Stormy is beyond the bedroom but he can’t quite understand why she has such cold feet where he’s concerned.

From their initial wild night together through the nascence of their relationship, Stormy and Jeff learn how spankings can be sexy and yet mighty effective at curbing unwanted behavior. But will Jeff be able to convince Stormy to take a chance on love?

An excerpt can be found here: http://patriciagreenbooks.com/books-featuring-spanking/bourbon-branch-water/excerpt-bourbon-branch-water/

Bourbon & Branch Water is available at:

Blushing Books, http://www.blushingbooks.com/index.php?l=product_detail&p=2231

Amazon US, http://www.amazon.com/Bourbon-Branch-Water-ebook/dp/B00APPCNZK/ref=sr_1_1

Amazon UK, http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bourbon-Branch-Water-ebook/dp/B00APPCNZK/ref=sr_1_1

Amazon CA, http://www.amazon.ca/Bourbon-Branch-Water-ebook/dp/B00APPCNZK/ref=sr_1_1

You can contact Patricia Green in the following ways:

Email: pig@patriciagreenbooks.com

Website/Blog: http://www.patriciagreenbooks.com

Spanking romance pages: http://patriciagreenbooks.com/books-featuring-spanking/

Facebook http://www.facebook.com/Patricia.Green.Romance

Twitter: @PatriciaIGreen

Google+: http://gplus.to/PatriciaGreen

Amazon Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Patricia-Green/e/B002RCB0IK/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

Goodreads Author Page: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4541511.Patricia_Green