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...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
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Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Low protocol doesn't mean less intensity

Snorts, what is it with me recently? I have a fairly serious idea for a post in mind, but part of me is reacting to something somebody said that makes me want to be all as adult as "neener neener you're a stupid bitch who needs to shut and listen to someone who sees things different than you do." I'm trying now :D So I recently talked about assumptions I deal with because I live in a "Master/slave BDSM relationship." This post sort of continues from it. But yes, something had gotten me venting to my dear friend Thianna D. and she beautifully summarized my venting to "Low protocol doesn't mean less intensity."

Truly I think it's another assumption about what M/s means on an emotional level to the practitioners/players (however those involved prefer to consider themselves in terms of BDSM identity) based on the level of protocol they observe. I find this especially troublesome though. If you're on social media at all, you've no doubt seen all the conversation about Robin Williams, depression, suicide, and its meaning. I know, you're thinking about how this relates to BDSM protocols and intensity, but stay with me :D. One thing that has rang true with me in the conversations about Williams' apparent suicide is that no one can really know why he did it, the depth of the emotions that may have brought about the incident. I have had a long struggle with bipolar disorder myself, so I think I may have an idea of what he was going through, but no matter how they may try to define us in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), no one bipolar person's mental health issues present in the same exact way.

And so it is for BDSM activity. That acronym is a seriously huge tent of activities "outside the norm," involving all sorts of things from sensation play, pain, dominance, submission, just to name a few things. Even what it means to "live Master/slave" differs greatly- just consider what I had to say in my assumptions post. While I've written on it and will no doubt again, from my perspective as a BDSM slave, it frustrates me to no end when people get this picture of BDSM from pornography, from erotica, from urban legend and forget what to me seems the most important part of the whole question- what does the Master want?

In my case that means that my Master wants a low protocol BDSM situation. Whether or not I end a sentence spoken to Him is largely up to me. I make the judgment call based on our teen being present, others being present, where we are etc. In some moods, I'll call Him Master more or less. Hell, even the fact that I capitalize pronouns talking about Him is my thing; I like to do it, it makes me feel good. He couldn't give a shit less and doesn't really notice the fact that I don't cap in texts, where it takes a bit more effort. His things? He enjoys having sex pretty much when He wants. He enjoys rough sex. He enjoys not worrying about a safeword, but instead paying attention to my body language, if I say something like "ouch" or "no"- nope, I don't have a safeword and I with educated consent gave up that right because I don't use words like ouch, no, stop etc as part of play- if I say them during intimacy, my Master knows to take them at face value. He doesn't like make up so I don't spend more than an hour ever day putting on Goth make up as I used to. He also doesn't like when my blood sugar crashes (I'm hypoglycemic) so despite what BDSM erotica, how-to, or anything else might say, in this case, the slave eats before the Master because my Master would rather not have me crash out from needing to eat.

That was about what we do, what we don't do, but how about what we feel? Of course, as far as my Master is concerned, I can only say what I see, what He tells me, what He does, my interpretation of those things. When my ex-husband finally stopped dicking around and gave me the divorce I'd been asking for for years, my Master married me- largely because we could use the privilege of being a male/female coupling to get legally married, giving us all sorts of rights and legal benefits. True, it was several years after that before I took His last name legally; it didn't seem important to Him and I didn't really care one way or the other. When He finally said it would feel special to Him, I took the steps to do so. However when asked our wedding anniversary, both of us look at the other in confusion- I told Him with a little poem that the poly-triad with my ex was done, that I was just with Him now, in January 2001. That's the date I think of.

Just yesterday He was getting ready to leave for GenCon when I asked Him how it went trying to get His Xarelto prescription refilled- when He was injured back in February, He was found to have a partially torn Achilles tendon and a blood clot. Well each time getting His prescription filled, having workman's comp cover it, has been a headache. This time it's a lot worse. So He drove several hours away from a convention that'll have Him gone until some time Sunday. His plan is just to take aspirin every day. This terrifies me, this upsets me. I don't want my Master to die. I love Him more than I've loved anyway besides my son and of course that's a different sort of love. I wish my love for Him would convince Him not to be depressed, to take His health seriously, but that only works out really good in romance novels. So like any woman who loves another person romantically, I'm trying to have hope that things will be okay, that He'll be okay, that we'll be okay.

No, I couldn't just pick up and leave Him because things are tough right now. We might not live a high protocol BDSM, but I love my Master, want to please my Master just as much as any other BDSM slave, even if sometimes I think about how He's not meeting my needs at the moment.


  1. This is such a wonderful and heartfelt post Joelle, your love for your Master shines through. I am sorry for the medical issues you face at the moment and having difficulty getting prescriptions filled is tough. I totally understand your worry for you Master.

    This lifestyle is as unique as the individual couples and you are right, low protocol does not mean lower intensity. I like what you said about the important question being what does the Master want.


    1. Thanks for the comment, Roz :) I'm holding on to He sees our family doctor in about a month now; maybe he'll find the blood clot smaller, gone idk and/or be able to put my Master on a blood thinner with less bad side effects. I'm caught somewhere between the horror that a clot could lead to instant death and the side effects He's struggling with- only one of which is every morning without fail He throws up.

      lol I've said it before, sometimes I so wish my Master wanted a bit more protocol, but I'm not sure how I'd do in practice; in the past, a bunch of the protocol has really come from me-- and my Master just enjoying what I was doing.

  2. Don't all of us wish we had more than we do, but we accept what we have.

    The aspirin should help with the blood clot. I know it's hard to stand back and watch when you know there's something wrong and you can't do anything about it, but you have to let go and trust that what will be will be, no matter what. Think positive is my message.

    Glad you were able to find one another and are still together no matter what.

    1. LOL yeah, on wanting. I figure it's part of why my Vala's Story stays pretty close to medium protocol. some of the stuff The Queen requires of his slaves is stuff my Master and I used to do, but well we're about 14 years into this :D some times the whole "begging to come" just doesn't work so well when a couple is grabbing a quickie

      Yeah, I know, the aspirin will help. I just have memories of one doctor first telling Him to take aspirin- the blood clot was no big deal. Maybe a week or two after that and I was going to see Him in the ER because a tech freaked out as "it's propagating" after they ultrasounded His leg to check on the clot.
      thanks for the comment, Leigh

  3. Beautiful post Joelle and spot on.

  4. I can totally get your frustration. Life doesn't stop for those in BDSM relationships. We still have laundry to do, food to cook and kids to take care of. (At least in my house.) And like you, I base what is going on around me on how I act toward my DH. Do I call him Master or Sir...not very often. I have little ears around that would ask questions I'm not comfortable in asking. Not to mention my natural shyness inhibits me, but do I show it...hell yes. I do little things for him because I know he enjoys them - like bringing him his plate at supper time. Is he capable of getting his own food. Yes. Does he ask me to do it - no. It's something I like doing to pamper him.

    There are so many different levels of submission and domination...so many that it could fill a Baskin Robbins. One isn't better than the other...it's just all about taste. :)


    1. Love the Baskin Robbins analogy, Dakota :D thanks for the comment. yeah, there's still underwear to wash- just ask my Master lmao occasionally when writing's good or any number of things, I'll get behind in laundry and He'll have no clean underwear- and the world comes to an end, I freak out 'cause He has no clean underwear and everything else stops while I go wash some ;D Much of our socializing is done at gaming stores, where there are too many gamer stereotypes who are still virgins, don't date etc and they can barely handle "a wife who comes to the store" let alone trying to deal with my full identity, how it informs my Master and my lifestyle