This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Friday, February 28, 2014

Conversation with Mandisa- social justice, BDSM, and women

So here's pics of the shirt that Mandisa and I talked about. I do like my statement t-shirts. I haven't actually worn this one out of the house yet. Maybe to the mall? Maybe I'll be lucky and that cute girl at the Spencers that my teen could even tell I found her cute, but I couldn't manage to say anything non-business transaction related to her. But with no further ado, Mandisa (2nd class slave in The Queen's stable who is in direct domination over Jinny and Chitra and the focus on my FFF novella-in-progress) and I have a conversation.

The back of the T is farther down the page.

How can you invite me to a conversation when you've been avoiding my story?

It's not like that, Mandisa. You know why I've been avoiding your novella. The Queen told you, right?

Yeah, he told me. But it that's the issue, why wouldn't spending time with my girls and I be a good choice? Especially since you know, beyond the all female interactions, you will get to think and write social justice stuff with me.

But I still haven't dealt with Tony's comments in response to Lena's comments in the album about my newest statement t-shirt.

Do you even know what you think? You've always been ambivalent on anything that comes from feminism. Do you know if the idea of privilege is a basic feminism thought? Or does it come from the radical feminists that you so despise?

No, I don't know that and I'm not even sure where to start looking.

Do you need to have that knowledge to decide your feelings on the idea of privilege? Or do you even find it necessary to make a definite decision? You know, you spend even more time than I do pondering these things around identity, privilege etc than I do! And I told my girls they need to stop me sometimes LOL.

Too bad I don't have any girls to tell me to stop.

Oh stop your moping. That pretty author friend of yours is right. You need to gather up some courage and tell a woman you find her attractive.
By the way, I love what you did in the inserted section with Lady Audrey for "Knowledge"- that was sweet how neither she nor The Queen wanted to stop the phone call. I bet you Annikka loves it.

But it's easier to look at profile pictures of my fellow authors and just dream, without taking the chance of being rejected. It's bad enough with the struggles that Shaman and I are having now. I'm still feeling like a useless, piece of shit slave who can't do anything right. As much as I want a woman to be in love with as well, I'm not sure I can handle it at the moment. I look at the complexity I created in The Queen's stable and sometimes I think only a Mormon fundamentalist practicing plural marriage can even imagine half of what it's like to have so many strands of relationship. I'm not sure whether you all have it easier or hardier than those living plural marriage as a principal since the only child you all have to be concerned about is Erik and those polygamists often have as many as a dozen or more children- it's like you're the inverse of each other- one with more kids and one with more adults. I guess at least adults can understand, sometimes.

What can you do to feel better about what happened with your Master last night? And don't you try to take all the blame either! You live lifestyle BDSM but as you're trying to write us all as complete people, not erotic romance caricatures, you aren't a caricature; you're a person. And I imagine for you, stuck in that conservative hellhole, as you've called it, without the support of sister or brother slaves or even a vanilla girlfriend, that life is even rougher than for my little Chitra.

I don't know how to fix it. I'd just turned off my sex drive. I didn't want to add stress to my Master's already too full plate, but I just want sex and BDSM. And I feel so guilty for being selfish. Wondering how He's even going to be feeling after this short day to day. The caregiving- because that's almost more how the "shower? leg massage? foot bath? food? drink? ice pack?" litany feels, more than just serving my Master- feels is just weighing on me. I should be joyfully serving; why am I not?

Ugh, child... you just get this up on your blog, let Annikka read it, and get back to work on the cleaning scene. The Queen will take care of you and Vala.

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