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...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Lady Like- oh how that phrase gives me the eye rolling curse.

So I'm sure you'd like to read the "What is BDSM/DD to me" (if you haven't already) that in part lead to these thoughts on the phrase "lady like." Here's part 1, part 2, part 3.

Master, please treat this like a short answer test :D Rather than continue to babble at You with my irritations and "huh?" moments as I read various spanking fiction, I thought I'd get Your answers to some questions and blog about it. My transcription of His answers is in italics.

1) Master, what does the phrase "lady like" mean to You?
more demure, softer, quieter, doesn't necessarily mean dresses though

2) Would You like me to be more "lady like"?
no, maybe, undecided- said to me with a furrowed forehead

3) Whether or not You've specifically mentioned it before, Master, do You have a preference for me to be wearing panties or not?
maybe when you wear short skirts. maybe

4) What do You think of my swearing, Master?
"sometimes you put drunken sailors to shame"

5) Can You explain Your thoughts on me wearing more modest clothing versus wearing clothes that are more provocative or showing more skin?
"dressing to cause a fight." Sometimes I'd rather not go when you dress so outrageously- like the heart pants.

So above you have some questions I asked my Master and my attempt to capture His answers when we were talking over the questions. Of course this adds to, is part of where my frustration with the notion of "lady like" in much domestic discipline fiction. While I joke that our marriage can almost seem like a '50s fetish, it really isn't and my Master's idea of lady like or His desires for my comportment aren't stuck on the 1950s either. Notice in His reply to the first question, lady like doesn't mean you have to wear a dress. Actually I think it's fair to say His preference is for a pair of fitted jeans- not too tight that they hurt or too baggy- just fitted. And yeah, sometimes I get swearing a lot- as if cracked to our teen "What do you expect of a mother who listens to more rap and heavy metal than you do? :D"

Yes, I've went through periods of dressing more modestly, but it was never about what pleased my Master. For a long time, I hated my body so much because of my over-large breasts that kept me in constant, chronic neck/shoulder/back pain. I preferred big clothes that didn't bring notice to "those nasty sacks of fat"- yup, my nickname for my breasts. Then for a time when I was trying to find a place in the local homeschool community- where being an atheist and politically, socially liberal where things to hide. After I get my breast reductive, bringing me down to a tolerable B/C cup, my Master ordered me to get rid of many of those large, over-sized dresses and skirts, outfits that made it impossible to tell my shape. I still struggle with my weight and I'm unhappy with it, so I've bought some larger jeans, some skirts. I don't wear them as often as I used to, so He doesn't complain. Actually now my game is to see how I can push Him with my "teen" clothes- wearing things like tights with multi-colored hearts on them- yes, He's looked at me, said "You look like Rainbow Bright. Go change if you want me to take you anywhere." LOL

The swearing thing. I can't imagine a spanking or mouth soaping or anything from spanking fiction for that. The one big thing- swear like I may at home, I'm generally pretty good about "don't swear here." Like in front of my mother-in-law. Nope, I don't think I could bring myself to swear in front of that sweet old lady. But even in my fiction... where many others in erotic romance, whether they are writing for the spanking/DD or BDSM fans, will use softer words- core, center, maybe even pussy- my word choice tends to be harsh. I like ass, asshole, fuck, cunt, and the like.

So yeah. Lady like. I don't get it. My Master only asks for as much as He asks, and it rarely reminds me of the proper behavior expected in DD fiction.


  1. "Lady" means different things to different people. It can be a genuine compliment or used to try to control a woman's behavior. I see a lot of political issues wrapped up in the word.

    1. very true, Cara, on the different things to different people. That was part of why I finally asked my Master point black how He interpreted the word. I need to remember to bring that "different meanings of the word" to my spanking reading

  2. Hi Joelle, great post, I enjoyed reading your perspective and your Master's answers.

    I totally agree that "lady" means different things to different people. Rick actually jokes all the time about how un-lady like I am.

    I too can put drunken sailors to shame with swearing and it isn't a big issue here and there are no stipulations when it comes to dress (except on rare occasions I may be instructed to wear a skirt instead of jeans). Rick likes femininity, which is not quite the same as acting in a lady like manner. I do find if I dress and therefore feel more feminine, I also feel more submissive.


    1. nods, femininity - I so get that, Roz. It's really is in the end the thing for my Master too.... I was all covered up and frumpy- unhappy about my body and having "fitting in with the conservative homeschoolers" to aid and abet my frumpy choices. Of course now I have the mini-war of what my Master wants and my mother disapproving that I look "too young"- I guess 36 year olds aren't supposed to wear My Little Pony knee socks :D ? And yes, on dress and feeling submissive- the frumpy clothes never did that for me. thanks for the comment, Roz :) hugs

  3. Okay, so I lied. I'm still here. Sometimes, I can't resist the "next post" indicator links. Ibn going to go back to read the posts you referenced here, too.

    Ladylike. Yikes. Well, women are said to dress like a lady, speak like a lady, act like a lady, think like a lady. So, I suppose that all friends on their interpretation and definition of what looks and sounds like a lady. It also depends on whether they consider a lady, woman and female (etc.) to be interchangeable terms or distinctly different descriptors.

    I am positive many people have never met a "Lady" of peerage. I am equally positive that, while these particular Ladies have changed in demeanor and presentation over time, they would not consider my interpretation of ladylike as anything resembling what they were raised and trained to understand as ladylike.

    Pfft. (That expression may not be at all ladylike. Just sayin'.) I think to be ladylike, to act like a lady, is to show kindness, compassion, generosity, grace, mercy, respect, resolve, dignity and composure - first toward and about yourself, and extending those qualities to all others in accordance to their place in your life, yet not withholding those things in whatever small measure to anybody with whom you interact.

    Of course, there are many finer points to this regarding the manner in which you convey these things, especially when faced with adversity and opposition. ;-)

    I don't believe being ladylike means you must only wear dresses or never use raw language, but I believe you must be appropriate to the situation and considerate of others. I never would wear lingerie or club clothing to a family reunion, nor would I use certain words in any real life setting or with anyone except D while we are assured of our privacy. Although here, in the ttwd community, it would not seem unladylike to share the words and experience with ttwd friends, because one of the reasons we come here is specifically to share these things with each other. Still, I think most of us would take time to get to "know" a blogger well enough to determine whether they might not appreciate the use of certain words in comments on their blog. We know some people may not visit our blogs if they are uncomfortable with the experiences we share or the words we use to describe them. That doesn't make us less of a lady, we simply are not in that person's comfort zone. It also certainly doesn't mean we are not welcome on their blogs, as long as we comport ourselves with respect for them when we visit.

    Ultimately, if your dress, words and behavior reflect you and your standards and beliefs with respect and compassion (and all those other words way up there ^^) for yourself, that is ladylike. If you seriously consider other's feelings while expressing yourself and make adjustments accordingly, that is ladylike. Maybe it can be reduced to something as simple as being kind (or choosing not to be unkind or hurtful) to yourself or others.

    Having said all this, I'll try to remember to be more considerate and not wear out my welcome here by flooding your blog with pontification. ;-)

    1. aww pontificate away, Irishey- I love it! :D I was half surprised that I didn't have my dog and teen wondering why I was giggling and clapping when I noticed you'd also commented on today's post hehe.

      Ah a Lady of peerage. I've thought on that, although not a direct way. In my Vala's Story serial, the dominant The Queen has his slaves (who are divided into 4 classes) use respect language where certain slaves address other slaves with "my Lady" or "my Lord." One of the slaves has a small conversation with him in the midst of a celebration about why he'd choose to use those terms. I may have to build on that conversation now that I've had more thoughts :D

      I do like the characteristics that you point to as "adding up to lady." Truly so much of it is about the setting and showing respect- and importantly for oneself. I think in our modern culture, we've lost a lot of it. Although it can be easy to try to judge that from the outside and get it wrong- like a person seeing a woman in a short skirt and deciding that she doesn't respect herself. For me, that short skirt is "yes, the culture says I'm weigh too much but my Master find me attractive and I have to agree with Him that my body isn't awful like culture would say it is"