I realized this morning, looking at the title, that I should add "in real life too"- since I do so much writing of what happens in my life, I forgot to put that in my title :D.
I'm glad to Spanking Romance Reviews for sponsoring this discussion; it feels weird to have no one to thank for hosting though as I'm the one hosting this month. Never expected that to happen :D So for this different (for me) SRR, I'm going to share the intro and my questions- I'm silly proud of them, you see.
Ownership versus Humiliation. The focus differs for many people- as shown in the conversations around "Anal Punishment- Hot? or Not?" last month- of whether any given activity is engaged in as an act of ownership or humiliation. While Aubrey Cara, who commented that I'd hit on a possible topic, divided her thoughts into BDSM writers and DD/spanking writers, I think the divisions aren't quite that neat or distinct.
* How do you understand the difference between an ownership- or a humiliation-focus in writing and/or in real life?
* If you live some level of DD, BDSM, include spanking in your relationship- do your practices focus more on ownership or humiliation?
* When you're reading spanking fiction, do you have a preference for either of these focuses? Or does it even matter to you?
* And of course, feel free to add your own comments and questions- after all, I come to this conversation as a reader of DD/spanking fiction, but an author of BDSM fiction.
The first thing I want to say, before getting into the questions, is that I don't think it has to be a "versus" between ownership and humiliation, but I think that happens in spanking fiction (more so than IRL, whether a relationship has a BDSM, a DD, or spanking focus). Sadly I can't think of any specific books where this plays out; I can only think of my own writing, where often it seems my ownership emphasis makes my writing feel differently than many of my friends' books and snippets that I read. Interestingly as I work on my Nanowrimo novel for the year, my one main character who is a "spanking author," I find in her WIP that I'm using a bunch of humiliating language- "naughty girl" and "panties" and "at your ankles." It feels weird, I must say. Somehow I think that if I was actually writing out her novels, I'd find the percentage of "humiliating language" to be quite low. However a good portion of her writing that I'm doing is "for blog hop" type posts.
Now I see that I've started answering my first question. To me, it is a lot about word choice, especially IRL. With my Master and I, we just don't use much humiliation language or activity; heck, I'd beg Him to engage in enema domination if enemas weren't a hard limit for Him. However- and this is part of where Aubrey suggested this is as a topic- in my fantasies, enemas aren't about humiliation, but ownership. Like with the link I shared with Katherine Deane when I was suggesting this topic, I see care and ownership. In the short, The Queen gives Abrecan an enema to show how he cares for Abrecan as his slave. Later in Vala's Story, there's a moment around enemas and golden showers that The Queen says to Vala, there is no part of you that I cannot possess because I own you. Gives me delicious shivers, even though I'm not entirely sure that's his word choice, but I'm not going into Vala's Story during Nanowrimo to look :D.
When it comes to humiliation IRL, I've already explained that my Master and I don't use it. Our focus is "Joelle is my slave so I can fuck her whenever." Although for Shaman, if I'm really not into sex or BDSM, it quickly becomes a "yeah, I can go watch some porn instead." I need to go a step further here though with some thoughts of mine that I haven't bothered Shaman with- the poor Man, I spend way more time pondering things than probably necessary. For me, I see too much humiliation (especially in fiction) as being used as a justification for enjoying sexuality. As a sex-positive person I struggle to accept that logic as being a good thing. One day Shaman was joking about "you want punishment" and I corrected Him, saying, "No, Master, I don't want punishment, I want You to spank me because it feels good to me." No judgment meant for people who enjoy a humiliation or a punishment dynamic, but considering mainstream sexuality in the US, I find accepting that I want sex or BDSM activity is more transgressive, positive. All that said, I don't think erotic humiliation is necessarily bad- just not something I'm into.
In reading, too much use of humiliation will often prevent me from reading a snippet or book. The crazy thing- to me at least- is that corner time in spanking fiction too often comes off (in word choice of the author) as "supposed to be humiliating" and that gets a squick for me. Although I have found Rayanna Jamison's use of corner time in her polygamy spanking series "Love Multiplied" as something I enjoy; I can't really say why her writing of corner time doesn't squick me.
This is a separate topic (and I know SRR has approached it before) but the whole thing of fantasy/reality in erotic fiction. I know for me, I usually prefer more reality especially when the reality MATCHES mine- being a queer, kinky, poly woman, I see all too little of myself in erotic romance and the focus of so many stories on humiliation only seems to make it feel even less representative to me.
So I'm always on the hunt for books that are more about ownership than humiliation, especially in DD stories, where I find the accepted ownership delicious. I also give this challenge to my authors friends- more male/male, female/female, genderqueer characters mixed in couples and trios in spanking/DD fiction. and with that, I bow out to go get a "good girl" spanking from my Master and horrify Him with my asking :D.