Warning

WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Friday, October 10, 2014

#SRR Corinne's questions pull me further into anal play/punishment

Okay Corinne Alexander's questions talked me into taking part. I'm glad as always that the host of a Spanking Romance Reviews round table gave me a reason to participate :D.



I have a contentious relationship with anal punishment in spanking romance, while anal play is something I really love. So contentious is my relationship with anal as punishment that I've already written on it and had debated even taking part in this until I saw Corinne Alexander's questions and decided to take part in this Spanking Romance round table discussion. After I've answered Corinne's questions, I'm going to see what I had in that other post and if there's no book promotion, I'll include the link to it at the end.

I want to enjoy any anal penetration shown in spanking romance, however when it's used as a punishment, depending on a number factors from how I'm feeling that day, how the BDSM activity portion of my relationship with my Master is going, to how the author uses it. I come at this from a few angles and yes, as you all no doubt expect, I'm quickly going TMI here.

For several months I had something wrong that made defecating extremely painful. I finally went to the ER (I had no health insurance at the time) and was given medicine to treat a bacterial infection. For a woman who has long longed anal intercourse, the long suffering from the infection left a definite negative mark on my psyche; I still struggle to relax and remember that I enjoy anal just as much as my Master.

As someone who is interested in sex positive, comprehensive sexual education- which I feel doesn't happen often enough in public schools, in families, or any other place young people could receive such education to have a healthy and happy sexual life as adults- I find the fact that anal penetration being used as a punishment as reinforcing taboos that stand in the way of healthy sexual lives. While I don't intend to nor do I try to teach through all of my writing, I do try to do so often. Considering how many of the conversations about "Fifty Shades of Grey" that were had by more vanilla types who giggled and acted like schoolgirls in a high school gym locker, it seems to me that spanking romance (nope, not putting FSoG in exactly the same camp :D) has the chance to enforce or disrupt negative images around anal penetration.

So now that I've talked about the negatives, I want to touch of what I love of anal play in spanking romance. One specific thing that I've tried to introduce the idea of to my Master :D- the idea of lubed fingers penetrating first, almost like an anal fingering, before intercourse happens, if the author does include anal intercourse in the couple's sex life. I do love the descriptions, whether it's a few sentences or a few paragraphs, describing this loving, sensual penetration. With fair regularity, I manage to get this anal fingering into my writing.

Because I found some promo in the original post (and it was from 9/13- I was already thinking about anal as punishment then!) and the whole post was over 1000 words, I'm going to paste in some of my thoughts from there.

I don't know, maybe it's my own outlook more, but it made sense to me that in spanking fiction, anal activity would be a norm. As in the use of fingers, sex toys, penises in the anus. I wasn't surprised to find that.

More info on my sex history- much of my sexual history starts off with the fact that I didn't get appropriate, comprehensive sexual education at school or at home- my school district use abstinence-only sex ed and my parents avoided the topic. This lead to a number of problems for me (including not having the language or knowledge to say that I didn't want to have sex when I was 13).

Thankfully when I came out as bisexual when I was 15, I wasn't too far from the only (at the time) LGBT community center in Michigan. It was there in the youth group that caring adults where able to fill in the huge gaps in my sexual education. I learned about all number of things from STDs, safer sex, and the fact that my sexuality was my own. It was also there that notions such as "anal sex is dirty" started to be pushed out of my thoughts and any other moralizing thoughts of what is right/wrong in sex. Consent was the only important thing in my book.

Things get a bit messy (please forgive the pun :D) because I realized around this time that I loved anal sex, but that for me, it included deep feelings of submission so I decided to save it as something I only did with dominants. See, my first girlfriend had introduced me to Anne Rice's "Sleeping Beauty" trilogy and while I wasn't old enough legally to get my hands on information about BDSM, I knew I was interested. I loved Beauty's deep submissions- I longed to feel that for a dominant. Of course through various fits and starts of trying BDSM on for size, I got to where I am now- wearing my Master's collar for about 13 years now.

Thinking on this post as I was doing laundry (because my life includes service, sex, submission- multiple pieces of BDSM), I realized- part of the way my sexuality works, it's not about what "society" approves or disapproves of, it's what my Master and His thoughts added to the parts of me that refuse to mesh with what He thinks. For example, I love enema play but unfortunately it's a hard limit for Him. Now my Master's sexuality, personality is such that He doesn't care much of what society thinks either- in a way, taking me further away from the "mainstream" that He teases I don't understand because I'm not part of it. This has all led me to a place where notions such as "naughty," "dirty" only have power if they do to Him. He experiences anal as enjoyable so therefore that's my primary outlook. I really can't imagine ever using anal anything as a punishment.

Anything that puts sexual anal activity in a negative light gives me pause. It's part of the homophobic knee jerk response that allows the dichotomy of "two men are gross" while "two woman are hot." I also think in our society lives with too many schizophrenic mixed messages about sexuality. That's not to say that I don't get aroused from reading "anal as punishment" scenes within spanking fiction- I very much do- but I do struggle because for me, I don't bring any of the humiliation, the "teehee, it's naughty" type stuff into my IRL sex life. True, it's fiction, but it's fiction meant to arouse. This is a dichotomy I walk in my own fiction because I want to show living, healthy BDSM relationships.

And yes, as my background currently, that's my Master in His pirate garb holding a leather stein He made Himself. It's literally as big as my torso- a funny sight when I'm carrying it for Him.

22 comments:

  1. Thoughtful, honest, real ... just a great post Joelle. Some overlap with my own views, of course, too. But always interesting to see how others view this stuff. Love the costume He's wearing and that stein is so cool!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment, Sheri :) I think a good part of it is the places I want realism in romance, unless I've picked up a book that's supposed be purposely dark, fantasy, etc

      Delete
  2. "Anything that puts sexual anal activity in a negative light gives me pause" So well put. It still puts anal sex in the 'taboo' 'bad' realm and it bothers me. For lots of reasons, but still. That is definitely one of them.

    Thanks for your post :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and thanks for the comment, Thianna. It's like the Taboo Tuesday hop- I so enjoy it, love finding pieces of my work that fit, but in a way, I wish that the stuff I write didn't fit because it wasn't taboo in the first place.

      Delete
  3. Very thought provoking post, Joelle. You show how important sex education can be in how we end up feeling about certain sexual 'taboos' and how we react to just the idea of them. I have a good friend who is a doctor and he's told me anal sex on a regular basis leads to anal/rectal problems down the road. Others disagree, so who knows?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder with your friend's comment, Holla, if it's more about the lack of education. If people don't know how to have anal sex in a safe way, I can see that comment being entirely correct. One thing my Master often ponders after hearing on cop drama shows about the physical proofs after a sexual assault, He'll ponder how rough sex like we have doesn't cause the same physical damage that a rape might. thanks for the comment, Holla

      Delete
  4. How refreshing it was to find someone who could actually explain this in a simple but effective way. It answered some questions that I was thinking about, but didn't know how to go about finding the answers. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I answered questions for you, Lorraine :) I must admit I'm tickled at "simple" being applied to something I wrote- often enough my Master teases that I use far more words than necessary :D thanks for the comment

      Delete
    2. "Simple" was maybe the wrong word to use, I should have used "clarification" - the way you clarified it made is easy to understand.

      Delete
    3. Of course, I understood where you were coming from, even having made the joke about my word use :D

      Delete
  5. I really enjoyed your take on this subject, Joelle. I'm glad that you participated. I agree with everything you said about being sex positive. I'm very picky about anal play/punishment scenes. Dubious consent with care & with complete sexual turn on hits my buttons. I think it's because I identify with the taken in hand lifestyle and that is what turns me on and makes me feel deliciously submissive. To me that is sex positive. BUT it's very specific to my husband and I. I know that he is loving, caring, and completely sensitive to my needs. It also depends on the alpha/submissive personality and how they go about it. So much so that it's hard to describe. What these posts ultimately show me is that sexual turn on & kink is a VERY individual experience. We all bring our history, our hot button issues, our turn on's and our triggers into the mix. With all of the shades of gray out there it is difficult to pin point a definite right or wrong here....in fantasy that is. In real life there are absolute hard and fast rights & wrongs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment and hosting this round table, Corinne. So true about how individualistic it is- I think that's part of where the taboo against it irritates me. We all have our own separate histories regarding the activity. Like one thing I didn't think to mention is that since I was a teen, anal anything was something I saved for dominants. Funny story my Master told me after the fact was that my ex- at the time husband- told Him that anal was a no, although I'd never agreed to that one so once Shaman became my Master, I was all good to consent for Him ;D

      Delete
    2. Ok, Corinne said perfectly what I want to say. Can I just say ditto?
      I'm going to have her start ghost writing for me. :)

      Great post, Joelle.

      I totally agree about the positive nature of sex.
      And for me, it's bc of my emotional needs.

      Loved your hubby's outfit too!
      Great post, Joelle.
      Thanks for sharing yourself so honestly and openly.

      <3

      Delete
    3. thanks for the comment, Katherine :) I like it- ditto what Corinne said :D

      Delete
  6. I feel the same as you about the 'Sleeping Beauty' trilogy by Anne Rice. Marvelous work of highly erotic and stimulating fiction.
    Love your honesty, here Joelle and that you incorporate healthy BDSM relationships in your books.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment, Melody :) It amuses me though how people will criticize "Sleeping Beauty" as unrealistic. Um, Anne was writing an adult re-telling of a fairy tale. Please read the back of the book, her blurb for it on websites.

      I think we need to see those relationships, especially ones that aren't new. So people just starting into BDSM can see that it can go somewhere. You know, like I sit here about 14 years after my Master collared me. Some times it looks a bit like a BDSM romance novel, other days not so much. There's a mortgage to pay and we don't have the money to pay a cleaning service so the cleaning is all up to me :D

      Delete
  7. Awesome post, Joelle! (I was going to private message you regarding whether or not that was your Master in the background. lol Handsome fellow!) The Sleeping Beauty trilogy was my first introduction to the big, wide world of BDSM. I liked some parts, was confused by others, but kept coming back and re-reading it. My husband has never attempted humiliation, but I've always found there to be a level of that in anal anything no matter what the circumstance simply because of the incredible vulnerability in that kind of intimacy. Maybe that's just me. I honestly don't know.

    By the way, after reading your comment on my blog, I went through and changed some of the It's to something more open-ended. lol Thank you! I never would have thought of that if you hadn't said something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment, Maren :) I agree on the confusing nature of the Beauty books. To borrow Aubrey Cara's phrase of the "PSA voice," now that I know a lot more about sex than I did at 15, I have to keep my mind quiet on some stuff- "it's a story, it's fantasy, yes bending a man's penis like that would probably damage it but this is a story" you know :D.

      I think many of us have talked about how individual we are on our feelings around anal anything. For you, there is the hint of humiliation because of the vulnerability as you mention. For me, that's just not what anal is about. Anal is about pleasure, now mine and my Master's. However I think my unique history has lead me to a place and comfortability around sexuality that just isn't that common.

      Delete
  8. I love the pirate garb and the leather stein!! that's awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment, Renee. It's cute, as I've been telling Him some of the comments- and saying things like "see, my author friends find You handsome too, Master"- He's been pulling the humble thing

      Delete