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...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Sunday, June 22, 2014

#spanksA2Z ... V is for Violence- or how TTWD isn't inherently abuse

When I sat down to write this, I was conflicted. From my perspective as a BDSM lifestyler who finds commonality with domestic discipline (both IRL and in fiction), I know that the difference between TTWD and non-consensual violence/abuse has been written about over and again, probably even in academic works. Actually yeah, a book I'm reading right now is one of those that includes the topic- "Sexual Outlaws: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities" by David M. Ortmann and Richard A. Sprott.

I'm going to share a link with here. This is the BDSM versus abuse page from Leather & Grace UUs for BDSM Awareness. http://leatherandgrace.wordpress.com/bdsm-basics-for-uus/bdsm-versus-abuse/ This is a good basic explanation. Please do take the moment to read it before continuing with my post.

You're back now? Good. Now I have to admit, as much as I agree with that and dozens of other comparison tables like that that I've seen, I have one big issue. Interestingly, it's one of the places I prefer DD/spanking fiction to BDSM fiction- I struggle with the safeword comment. Yes, in casual BDSM play, like at a club or some such, I am in complete support with safeword usage. However, when it comes to my own life, I prefer BDSM within a committed relationship and I've never been big on safeword usage personally. There's another thing I'm not big on- I don't want to roleplay that I don't want "it" while I really do. My Master knows if I say "no," "stop," or "ow" while we're playing that something is really wrong and will stop to check in with me. There is no safewording here- there is my Master paying attention to what I'm saying and my body language- "You went stiff. You okay?" He once asked when He used a whip on me just harsh enough that I really didn't like it. The lack of discussion of safewords in DD/spanking fiction actually makes it feel more like what I live, more comfortable for me.

And without getting into a debate of consent- within and without the conversations of TTWD not being abuse, there's also the debate of consent that I'm sure many of us have read- I agreed to a BDSM relationship. My Master and I also discuss what we want, often... and not "out of role" either. That one pisses me off without fail. Whether it's coming from someone who "understands" TTWD or not, it pisses me off. I don't put on and take off my submission like other people do underwear- yes, I'm too much of a nudist to personalize that lmao- I am not a book submissive who lives a perfect submission. I'm a human being and sometimes I even tell my Master off when I don't agree with Him and He's irritating me.

One last mention- I'm so excited for the Spanking Romance Reviews' Round Table conversation of July. Led by Thianna D, we're talking about discipline versus punishment. I haven't planned out my post yet, although I have signed up. I can imagine that violence will enter into this conversation.


  1. Great post Joelle and well said. I particularly liked what you said about no safe wording ... it's your Master paying attention.


    1. thanks, Roz. I'll have to re-read it when I'm more awake lol, but with the whole safeword thing, I really think my Master mostly goes somewhere between "paying attention" and "doing what He wants"- sort of like a DD-er who has a set number of spanks for something. Definitely though, the thing for me is about consent. I wanted this; I agreed to this.

  2. great post, Joelle!
    non verbal cues seem so important, you're right.

    I wish I could tell my family about our relationship, but unfortunately, they are still in the "hitting is wrong" frame of mind.
    So it will be a while.

    1. Sometimes I think safewords get so over-focused on that the non-verbal cues are forgotten or missed. And there have been times, both IRL and in fiction, where I've seen tops get so into the scene, so wound up that there were moments they could have noticed before the bottom use hir safeword.

      on my family of origin- it's "we're going to live in denial." They probably have a notion, but don't want it. So when I say "I need to talk to Don" and not say yes to something, I know they "hear" what the phrase is implying, but they ignore it.

  3. Great post. It's all about trust and knowing the other party. Wow, I know what I want to say but the words are just not there right now - must be careful so as not to offend anyone.

    1. I understand, Leigh! I go through that problem trying to talk about safewords with other kinksters- there is such a "safewords should always be used" and I often find myself walking a fine line around causing offense when trying to talk about my feelings/experience. And when a non-BDSM-er tries to say "BDSM is okay because of the safewords," I gotta bite my tongue because they're probably not ready to understand my reality. In fact, I do feel more comfortable talking with DD-ers about my life without a safeword- like they will better understand me. thanks for the comment