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WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, June 12, 2014

#SpanksA2Z ... L is for Love

And I love Spanking Romance Reviews and Celeste Jones for setting all this up :D

Master threatened to write "I love you" in Sharpie on me recently :D

Love is a complex subject any time, but adding a different sort of sexuality makes it even more so. Coming from BDSM (lifestyle and erotica) my perspective is very different from many spanking romance writers. Around the subject of love, I've found a lot of misunderstandings and stereotypes about any form of TTWD. One myth that always gets me shaking my head is "I could never hit *her*- I love her too much." This most often said by the straight man about the idea of dominating a girlfriend/wife. Snorts, so what if *she* wants/needs BDSM activity including different types of hitting? Right now as my Master and I struggle to deal with what life has thrown at us, I'm suffering because He hasn't been hitting me as much. Then I struggle somewhat with the domestic discipline notion of the Head of the Household spanking the Taken in Hand partner because "he loves her so much." Sometimes I do have a bit of a struggle coming to gripes with the level of control in a DD relationship; by comparison to my own low protocol BDSM relationship, many fictional DD relationships seem over the top to me. That in and of itself makes me step back with a "not my kink, but I shouldn't judge it if it works for them." Sadly I must admit that I find myself going through the couple's list of "no"s. With each no- "no swearing" always makes me roll my eyes- I consider if my Master cares, has a rule about whatever the "no" is. But even if I don't care for the form of relationship that might typify a DD relationship, I see and respect the consent in a way that I find "vanilla" people don't- "they" don't see what is a very loving relationship.


14 comments:

  1. Great post Joelle, we are all wired differently and it can be hard to fathom how dominance snd discipline in any type of ttwd relationship can be out of love. As you say though, it's about what each couple both need and want. I have been amazed at how much more connected and intimate we became with ttwd, although we are taking a break at the moment.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. thanks for the comment, Roz. I often think it's just a case of different- it used to be that men were HoH and women were TiH, just be culture. I wonder how many couples were happy within that, and how many were those where either didn't want it. We have such a focus on the women usually, but what of the men? We know today that there are male submissives. Awww at your break. I do think all relationships go through phases. I know with my Master feeling much better, He's been recently trying to play more, and it's lovely- both because BDSM activity hasn't been happening much but also because it's His way of showing love- "You'll have to see your mother this weekend and that always stresses you out."

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  2. I've had those same struggles at time and I always come back to the same thing: when it comes to novels and real-life DD relationships, the fantasy stories we write really do us a grave disservice. Books that are realistic in regards to how the relationship works don't sell because the level of dominance and depth of submission just don't translate as being very high. So what are you left with, a book that's over the top and an author that spends his/her time wondering, "Great...now what do I punish her for...I know! I'll ding her on swearing!" Then again, we spend so much time living in 'real life', do you really want your books to be there too? Maybe they're fantasy for a reason.

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    1. True on the balance of fantasy/realism. I tend to lean towards realism in many things, but that's not to say I don't enjoy some fantasy :D I mean, how many doms are actually billionaires with mansions in which more than a dozen BDSM submissives live with hir? :D I wonder on swearing though, Maren, because I have seen IRL DD couples talking about that being part of their dynamic; it's just not part of my Master and I. Sometimes I'll get a look though because I do swear a lot, listen to a lot of music with swearing in it. thanks for the comment

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    2. My husband is a sailor. Everything I learned about swearing, I learned from him. lol Good luck trying to spank it out of me now.

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    3. lol Maren! one of my Master's favorite roles to do at renfests etc is pirate. So yeah. my Master would be the one to threaten no spankings if He actually wanted me to cut down on swearing :D

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  3. I just zeroed in on "no swearing" and fucking freaked the fuck out. Kidding. :) Yep, we all work out what works for us, in fiction-reading too. Choice, choice, choice. YMMV, as I append to everything all the time. Vive la différence. Hitting, faceslapping, is way too much for some (in real life AND in fiction). As with all else, if you don't like it, don't do it, don't read it, whatever you need to do or don't do. I'm a simple woman, aren't I? So basic and simple. I come by and state the obvious in your comments. Heh.

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    1. well I told you the story of heading to the youth con with my teen and reminding him of the swearing rule, only to have him joke that I'd have a harder time following it than him? :D Oh the sarcasm of teens lol. I just find we get so wrapped up in what something looks like to us- gods, if only more people did live by YMMV. It's like every year at Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day- all the flowers, chocolate, cards etc that media tries to sell us? My Master would never come home with a bouquet of roses for me- I'd look at Him like He was stupid lol. Now if we could afford it, what He would do was take the three of us to Mongolian BBQ.

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  4. I struggle with writing the balance between fantasy vs real life BDSM, mostly on our blog Vagina Antics. It's challenging to portray accurately the depth of love and commitment that it takes to go to the "dark" places of D/s. Last night we had an amazing consensual non-consent scene that left me with bruised, exhausted, and ridiculously happy. I wasn't being punished, but to someone on the outside looking in, it probably looked like I was in serious distress. That sort of reality of what I participate in is tough to convey in a healthy way through print. Or perhaps I'm not articulate enough. Ha! When we talked about it later, I was careful to reassure my master that everything he did was exactly what I had wanted even when I said "no." Dominants need reassurance too! (of course if I had yelled RED! that would have halted everything.) We are able to do this together because of our deep emotional and physical intimacy. If I didn't love him (and he love me), none of what I really "need" in BDSM would be possible. Wonderful post, Joelle!

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    1. thanks for the comment, Heather. I think, regardless of our talents at writing, that it is difficult to show love when the play is "hard core." I struggle with that showing up in my own writing. In my serial, I have a few slaves who need, want very hard core levels of play- like a session in a padded room. Sometimes it seems the only way I get that depth of love to show is by the fact that "Vala's teaching" (the MC) means I can have the other subs and switches talk in dialogue about the love :D

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  5. EXACTLY!
    Because my hubby loves me, he has agreed to have a spanking relationship with me, even though it's not his thing necessarily.
    That, and following through with the necessary spankings (and other stuff) that I ask for is showing his love.
    Well said, Joelle!
    :)
    <3

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    1. thanks for the comment, Katherine. It always frustrates me how much of the misunderstanding is about the submissive wanting- it's like it's assumed the dominant wants whatever level of activity. As if there is no emotion for the dominant to deal with. There are so many things that show give & take in a relationship- and yeah, I think it's easy when done out of love.

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  6. This is a very interesting conversation. I know what I live, what I can write about and what I enjoy reading/fantasizing about can be three different things. Some BDSM will turn me off quickly, it seems too harsh and at times cruel. Other times the author makes it seem so acceptable and appealing. I think at the heart is whether the genuine love and devotion between participants shines through or not. I also wonder how realistic fiction needs to be. If you live a DD relationship, do you want to read about it? Same with BDSM? Can fiction stand up to what you know to be true? Now I'm really confused lol.

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    1. lol, it's based on what people want, really. For me, I want to see myself in fiction. Like a gay person wanting to see a gay character on TV, I want to see people whose gender and sexuality are fluid, who enjoy all sorts of fetishes, often enough within loving relationships. But that's just me. And I certainly don't want that in every book I read :D I understand what you're saying though, Stevie on "too harsh and cruel." I sometimes have that struggle when reading about BDSM that's happening in a club, or casually. I don't want the B, S, and M without D/s. thanks for the comment

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