Warning

WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, May 29, 2014

#SRR ... the poly-triad that worked for awhile

Our wonderful host this month is Katherine Deane. I remember once I didn't take part- something specifically about domestic discipline- and she was bummed. So while I was unsure what I'd say at first, I got myself to buckled down and writing. Her topic is: The Vanilla Spouse: What happens when your significant other doesn’t share your fetish?

So I admit that I mess with a lot of Katherine's questions by the very fact of having lived as a polyamorous person from my teen years, even before I knew there was a word to describe a way of living other than the monogamy that I felt wasn't for me. I'm going to answer her questions thinking of my last polyamorous relationship that lasted more than a few weeks, more than "seeing if this will work."

A quick summary: I married a man who knew I identified as polyamorous and a BDSM submissive. He agreed to live with an open marriage that allowed me to meet my needs or for him to meet his needs in ways that worked for the both of us. So by fact of my reputation, I never had to have a "I want you to spank me" conversation with ex.

Interestingly the conversations we did have were about what needs we had that we could meet for each other. He didn't have a specific fetish identity although he found it interesting to see me engage in my interests. We also enjoyed a variety of each others' kinks- for instance, he would enjoy my exhibitionism while I'd enjoy him being the voyeur while I enjoyed sex with other women.

Early in the relationship with my ex, he had to walk me through the emotional issues of Tom (the dominant who was the first inspiration for The Queen in Vala's Story) deserting me; that isn't a story I want to tell here. Thankfully we met my Master at a goth club, although I already knew of Him by reputation. He gave me a few months of time to stop waiting for Tom to change his mind, but eventually His message of "shit or get off the pot" reached through my growing desperation around "Tom doesn't want me." It started off as vanilla sex. Then the day happened that I was riding Shaman, ex in the room watching, and in the middle of orgasm, I murmured, "Master." We were on our way to the collaring at that point.

Now I need to step back just a moment into those months. Part of my depression was the lack of my BDSM fetish needs not being met. Ex and I tried. We tried me acting as the Top and as the bottom to ex, not at the same time of course. Neither worked. I couldn't respect him as a dominant and I didn't gain anything more than a crass amusement as dominating him- so yes, for those who wonder, I'm not a switch, even if I can write them :D.


So to answer 2 of Katherine's questions, I understand what monogamy should be (happy, healthy, fidelous coupling), but I would never choose it for myself. It has never been at all a positive experience the few times I've tried it. However, if someone is monogamous or if they decide to break the agreed upon boundaries for their polyamory (that failure to keep poly-agreements is part of why ex is an ex), I feel that is cheating. Considering my strong feelings about what cheating is and against the act itself, I wouldn't get involved with someone who is not open to my kinks from the very beginning if monogamy was expected. At the price of losing my virginity to rape at 13, I figured out quickly what I actually wanted, both sexually and in life in general. And while it has made me a "sexual outlaw"- to borrow Pat Califia's phrase- I refuse to disavow what I want sexually, even if in the face of current relationship struggles with my Master, He isn't meeting the needs He could meet.



16 comments:

  1. Hi Joelle, I enjoyed reading your perspective and learning a little more about your history with your Master. Thank you for sharing.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and thanks for the comment, Roz :) It's like I've told my Master- the times when I've told the full story of how the triad came to an end, the whys and wherefores, well He always comes out looking a lot better than ex :D Although because the story I told didn't quite get to it above, one distinction I always like to make it that I didn't leave ex for my Master- I stayed with my Master while telling my ex that he no longer had a place in my life.

      Delete
  2. As always, it's really interesting to read your perspective as it' s coming from a different angle. You always make me think outside the box ao I love reading your posts.
    You said " However, if someone is monogamous or if they decide to break the agreed upon boundaries for their polyamory (that failure to keep poly-agreements is part of why ex is an ex), I feel that is cheating. Considering my strong feelings about what cheating is and against the act itself, I wouldn't get involved with someone who is not open to my kinks from the very beginning if monogamy was expected"
    That's kind of what I was trying to say in my post, looking elsewhere is a totally reasonable option, as long as its not cheating. But you said it so much better. Thanks for the post. Joelle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww thanks for the comment, Tara. You know though that in the poly community, we talk often about what constitutes cheating. About my ex, I've had to explain to others quite a few times why several things he did counted as cheating. Because yeah, most people don't understand how cheating is possible in an "open marriage." And somehow it seems to confuse some people who don't understand polyamory that I refuse to be "the other woman"- nope, if a person has to cheat to be with me, I'm not interested, no matter how well they fit some of my kinks

      Delete
  3. I hope this doesn't sound stupid but I did not know of polyamory before I met you. This post actually sounds very similar to the other posts in that whether you're in a monogamous relationship or polyamorous or whatever sort, it's a matter of having your needs met within the boundaries of your relationship as they are defined by those in the relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doesn't sound stupid at all, Natasha- actually I was trying to live a poly person before I even knew the word existed :D. I tried my first poly relationship in high school. But yeah, "... having your needs met within the boundaries of your relationship as they are defined by those in the relationship" is a perfect way of putting it. Because that's what matters really, I think- if everyone is old enough to consent and agrees to certain parameters.

      Delete
  4. Thanks for sharing Joelle, it's nice to here a different perspective.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and thanks for the comment, Alice. I love giving my different perspective :D

      Delete
  5. Thanks for sharing, Joelle!
    I'm so glad you share yourself so freely for these things. I agree. It is nice to have all the different perspectives. :)

    And I am really glad you touched on the cheating thing.
    I would love to take this discussion further at some point.
    I also like to discuss the emotional side , and when it is considered cheating.
    So for me, even though spanking isn't sexual sometimes, if I were to go to another man to be spanked, without my husband's approval or knowledge, we would both consider it cheating.
    But for me, it would be more emotional cheating. Ok, you say all this stuff a lot better than I do.
    Please feel free to translate my comment later into something coherent. :)

    Thanks!
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment, Katherine. Yes, I agree, emotional cheating would be a great topic. Interestingly my ex accused me of that, as I was outlining how he broke our rules, when I told him it was over. My reply, "I didn't fall in love with Shaman more than you, I fell out of love with because you haven't been a good husband." And thanks for another vote on confidence on my ability to say things :D Like a few others have said, I think it's so much a patience thing. Even with my Master, who knew I was into BDSM before we got together, we've had to consider things over the years. Like we had to come to an agreement about enemas, which are my kink, not His- we've agreements on how I can meet my needs around enemas without violating His limits. Then when He stumbled upon my enjoyment of breath play, we discussed that- He was surprised I enjoyed it and I'd never known I did before He tried lol

      Delete
  6. Thanks for sharing, Joelle. I always enjoy reading your take on things! I think what it boils down to is feeling like you have your needs met. It doesn't matter if you are polyamorous or monogamous, if you are not getting what you need- then it sucks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and thanks for the comment, Casey. Yup, un-met needs suck. I think it comes down to "how do I get my needs met in a way acceptable to my relationship, or is this serious enough to end the relationship."- with my ex, it wasn't how comparatively (to me) vanilla he was that the marriage ended- it was his cheating and neglect.

      Delete
  7. There are some poly people that I know that do it for the right reasons, and there are other people who use it as an excuse to run around screwing anyone they can. Jolynn and I always have a big discussion after we are out with friends at an event about it.

    At least you know what you want, and it seems like your Master is good about your needs. I hope he gets better and lets you get after him when he needs extra care.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment, Kathy. You know, I thought ex was there, was on the same page as Master and I, but sighs, that's an ugly, ugly story- the weekend that was just the last straw with ex's bad behaviors. Remind me to tell it to you if you don't see me having a reason to post it on my blog lol. It's quite the tale- "How ex cheated in an open marriage."

      He's getting there, it's just really slow. sighs, hopefully He cooperates with PT when it's time

      Delete
  8. Joelle, you are always so open about who you are and not in an "in your face" sort of way, so even though I don't always get around to visiting often, I'm always glad when I do. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw thanks for the comment, Celeste. lol, funny you say that- my Master contends I often go places looking to pick a fight :D I do try just to be myself, even if He thinks that's picking a fight sometimes

      Delete