Warning

WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Health and long term BDSM relationships

Healthy, happy, younger Master

So this was a "driving down the road, trying to be okay, flash of inspiration" moment. :D Gods, no wonder my Master teases that I over-think things; good thing that I spare Him a large portion of what's constantly going on in my mind. First 2 links for you- you don't really need to read them first to get it, but I like sharing, maybe that's why I'm poly? <random, not exactly related, wondering> Jolynn Raymond made the comment on my Dungeon Crawl post that fishtailed into my pondering about why I was feeling wrong. Like lesbians and gays before the Stonewall Riots, before growing acceptance of LG (and to a way lesser extent, bisexual and transgender people) had fewer positive examples of themselves and grown-to-older LGBT people in movies, TV, music etc, BDSM people have almost nothing. Although with transgender people, BDSM practitioners are still totally acceptable as the butt of jokes, have more myths and stereotypes about who we are. With BDSM erotica, non-fiction, erotic romance, we have some representations, but still if you're older, disabled, of ill-health etc, these sources still don't show "you" that much. Not saying it's necessarily related, but I just picked up a book of "disability erotica" on Amazon that I'm hoping to find various types of sexuality represented in.

Wondering how my mind was putting all this together? Well since last November, my life has resembled a bad soap opera. First my dad freaking out about my mother's heath- I hate the bitch so that's a loaded ball of problems. Then my mother-in-law, who I prefer to my own mother, had a stroke. Master was fired, spent months looking for a new one, got hired by the post office, hell continued, He got injured. We are now coping with the reality of Him having a torn Achilles tendon and a blood clot; reality now includes two medicines a day that make Him constantly sick.

The problem? Through all this, my roles as "wife," "slave," and "caregiver" have gotten skewed, have gotten very complex. Distressingly- to me quite a bit, but because of how it's messed with our relationship, to my Master as well- I've basically turned off my sex drive. It hurt too much to be aroused, to be interested in something physical that my Master just isn't/wasn't in the mood for, not able to do, physically. I've always had body issues- I'm a recovering anorexic. Went on my first diet when I was 6 years old- that makes 30 years of dieting. So on one hand, I know the problem is complex, but my many issues reduce it to "I've gained weight so He doesn't want me anymore." No, that's not the real score, but that's what I end up telling myself.

This morning, I laid in bed for hours with my Master. I should have just been cuddling, enjoying the time. But I was too busy concentrating on not getting aroused, in case He woke feeling worse. Then when He woke up and was feeling good, I couldn't "flip the switch," couldn't reverse all my self-talk about not getting aroused. Hand-and-mouth, I made Him come, but I didn't even feel better for giving Him that pleasure, like I should have. Or would have, in the past. Nope, should isn't good, shoulds are part of the problem, I dare say.

Some pieces of what I'm struggling with are things that others who've done caregiving for a spouse/loved one can talk about; I'm really not sure how much the BDSM relationship complicates things. But I don't know that many people in 10+ year BDSM relationships who can relate to those things listed in my 2 paragraphs up. I don't know how to be. If He doesn't take care of Himself while I'm busy, away, sick, then He ends up feeling worse than the current "normal" and I feel awful because I read Him feeling bad as a failure on my part. We don't go to the regular munch (although, writing this Wednesday night, we're going to go try a "trying to get things re-started" munch and see if we actually click with any of the "new" locals; with how I'm feeling, I'm not sure it's wise, but we're trying anyway.)

I still need to tell my Master all the stuff wandering through my mind. And just tagging Him on Facebook when I promote this post isn't really fair, although I've done the post-and-tag to Him in the past. snorts. I'm sure a portion of this is about perspective, what I'm "letting" myself focus on- although the "letting" pisses me off plenty; it always seems so patronizing.

So I'm going to leave this off with a question to myself- if He's getting "better"- no, there really isn't much of a prognosis from doctors because of the complexity of His issue- am I doing anyone a service by turning off my sex drive? Especially when, as an author, I'm skilled at meeting many of my sexual needs in fiction, in fantasy, and maybe if I was just "ready" for my Master when He was, I'd feel better...

6 comments:

  1. I feel for you very much Joelle, it has to be so difficult living with health issues and a BDSM relationship has got to complicate things. I can understand your roles being skewed.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. thanks for the comment, Roz. "getting better" has become such a thing- "When are You going to be better?" "When are things going to be better, stop breaking?"

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  2. I don't know the answers here, All I can say is it's good you can talk about them, and we're here for you.
    Sometimes talking ( and send hugs and positive thoughts) writing) helps get things into persepective a little.
    I hope it has done here.

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    1. thanks for the comment, Raven. And blech at fibro fingers making things tricky. Yeah, sometimes talking, although I'm torn, as you've seen, I wander around often enough, usually referring to things like this as vents because yeah, I'm not sure if/what the answers are. I'm frustrated with struggling.

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  3. and damned fibro fingers has skewed those comments . The hugs and thoughts are for You and your Master

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