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WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

#dungeoncrawl ... there is no ALWAYS #BDSM

Thanks to Romancing the Kink for hosting the Crawl. I think I passed some personal record for times I said "fuck" in one post :D


My Master posted about having a "low tolerance for people" on Facebook the other day, and I relate. Day before Mother's Day, I had a vent that included "In my best Marilyn Manson impression, FUCK Mother's Day." Check out this link to read his intro for "The Fight Song" from his "Guns, God and Government tour" that I was thinking of when I said that- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0339092/quotes . Continuing from that point, I wanna mention Pat Califia's "Public Sex: the Culture of Radical Sex." Now while what I'd checked out from the library (having to get it through my state's library system 'cause there was no way in fuck that my stupidly backward, conservative hick hellhole of mid Michigan would have anything like Pat's books) is a second edition, hir essays did go back into the 1990s. While I agree with hir on many things, I found myself irritated at many things from talk about guilt, theoretical essays that reduced things I care about to "well our society doesn't like..." And again, Marilyn comes to my rescue with a "Fuck guilt! Fuck shame!" (No, he's never said those directly that I know of, but I can imagine him doing so.)

I forget which essay of Pat's kicked off the venting at my BR that also inspired this piece, but my reaction was to a comment of hir's that I'll paraphrase here: "There is always negotiation before a BDSM scene." Yes, you notice my mind grasped at that always, right? There it is in my title in all capital letters, that should be read as bleeding with my anger at a contention that anything BDSM people do is an ALWAYS across the board of BDSM practitioners. Already feeling this irritation, I should have known better not to get into a conversation of what nonconsensual consent means "to me"- but of course I didn't know better. In my mind, I circled back to the negotiation thing. It brought to mind a satirical college sex and consent to mind. "May I touch your arm?" "May I touch your breast?" "May I touch your labia?" Snorts, okay, that was irreverent of me, but I'm entirely not in a serious mood.

So I had to tweet-vent on this, that in my opinion, people need to be a lot better about stating when something is their opinion and/or remembering to say things like "for me...". I get really sick of people telling me what I should feel about something. I'm the first to say, I don't like the idea of negotiating before every BDSM scene. Neither do I think that "just because I've been into BDSM a long time" means I can do stuff that "newbies" can't. Fuck that shit! Even when I was just a teen learning what I wanted sexually, I knew that fantasies of "no no, don't do that even though I really want that but am too ashamed to say it" weren't for me; if I say no during intimate time with my Master, He knows I mean it. Not to say there's anything inherently wrong with above fantasy, but it's not FOR ME. But then I think too much is also made of what a scene is. Notice I said "intimate time" right? 'Cause for me that could just as well be hauled over the arm of my Master's armchair, Him using His back scratcher to wail on my ass, as Him using the dimmer on the bedroom light to make things nice before He binds me to the bed with the under-the-bed bondage system and then does as He pleases- it's all "scene" to me. Fuck it needing to be on a specific day, at a specific time, in a specific room. For me, for us, including my Master and I. Fuck what anyone else says is needed for it to be BDSM.

4 comments:

  1. While I agree that you don't have to be involved in kink for a long time to know what gets you hot, I have to stick to my belief that new people can benefit from advice and cautions concerning new partners, negotiations, safe words, and such. Once you are in an established relationship or you know someone well, then the negotiations can be put aside. My wife and I don't negotiate, and I'm sure you and your Master have no need, but two players who are new to each other need to put things out on the table. What are your needs, what do you want or how do you see this unfolding? Where can't I touch you? Are we using the red, yellow, green safe word system, etc. After this stuff is worked out, then game on whatever the fantasy. What gets people's kink on is no one's business as long as it's safe, sane, and consensual.

    Thanks for the thought provoking post.

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    1. Well if you notice, I talked about not needing to negotiate every time- certainly not at the level of like/dislike/hard-soft limits every time.

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  2. Love this post, Joelle! I definitely don't bother with all the negotiations and crap and never did. But that's just ME. Everyone does kink differently (pause for dramatic intake of breath because my statement is so astoundingly stupid), and that is because ... drum roll as Sheri again states the obvious ... we are all different people.

    I mean, step back and take kink totally out of the equation, and you're still left with this immutable and obvious FACT: we're all different people with different beliefs and background and personalities and risk tolerances and degrees of common sense and amounts of intelligence and everything else. Different, different, different. So to me, trying to make -- much less explain -- rules for this is herding cats. Trying to teach "common sense" is pretty futile, too. We have the Darwin Awards and there is probably a Darwin Award subcategory for BDSM FAIL. Heh.

    Big ass disclaimer: All of the above is of course "IMHO." I mean, FOR ME and all. Heh. Ever notice how often I add "YMMV" or "IMO" to sentences I write? It's tedious, but there's a reason I do it.

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    1. and thanks for the comment, Sheri :D yeah, I was having a wandering vent with my Master this morning- at one point, He said "yeah, we just live life." That is so the summary of it for me. And I've said, I'm just being me. I don't put on being a submissive like I put on a tshirt. Hell, most of my personality considered, it's more important than a shirt 'cause I take more time thinking on it. Being a submissive doesn't come naturally to me, outside of "after I accept that collar"- thank goodness I've had years in Master's collar so i'm not adjusting to a new person, not telling that dom to fuck off as much as may come to my tongue to say :D yeah, BDSM subcategory love that. makes me think of Master's friend who said something about online forums- Master had been venting about idgits on gaming forums... I loved His friend's "you can't teach common sense, especially online" snorts

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