Warning

WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, May 22, 2014

BDSM- is it a choice or something you're born with?



I know I've read about this in a number of places, from various theoretical and philosophical shades of non-heterosexual, non-mainstream, non-monogamous thinkers. Coming out in the 1990s as a bisexual woman (before bi-curious or hetero-flexible were common terms, not that I'd have happily used either word), I have my own thoughts of course. Like I find "marriage equality" to be a focus that doesn't directly affect me or even concern me as much as transgender people being able to use public accommodations (like bathrooms) safely, the issue of homosexuality being a choice or something you're "born with" makes me what to scream "why does it matter?" That very question has been used against bisexual, pansexual, queer-identifying people like me- and from both the heterosexual and lesbian/gay communities. "Why don't you decide? You can't be gay AND straight."

Now that paragraph was focusing on sexual orientation as determined by one's sexual/romantic interests as determined by gender- yes, I've been reading so much of Kate Bornstein's writing as well as working with my transwoman character Lady Audrey, so I'm questioning the whole notion of sexual orientation that is based on gender. That was a lot of words to say I'm moving beyond "sexual orientation" in my post :D . However when I'm asked of my identity, I will say that I'm queer, poly, and kinky. Yes, I'm used to the discomfort at my word choice, having to explain what I mean.

You see, in many ways I mess up the "born with" defense that many lesbians and gays seem to want to use in garnering equal rights for themselves. And yeah, I mean "themselves"- too often the B & T (bisexual and transgender) in the "LGBT community" are left out. In case you don't already know what I'm talking about with "poly" and "kinky," I'm saying that polyamorous (I believe in and live with the philosophy that responsible non-monogamy is possible- and for me, a positive, preferred thing to monogamy, serial or otherwise) and live with engaging in BDSM as a part of my identity (no one forced me to be a BDSM submissive and no one fact in my past has led me to embracing this part of me either). I cannot and choose not to separate being poly or kinky from my identity, from my sexuality. Notice that I said "my identity" first- because I also want you to know that being poly and kink aren't just about sexual activity for me. They talk to whom I love, how I order my life. I'm not asking anyone to live as I do, but to respect how I live, just as a person living the societal norm of monogamous heterosexuality expects respect.

Taking a step further with this, looking at BDSM identity, I want to talk about how I've been discriminated against by people who claimed that my saying "I am a lifestyle submissive" is talking about sex, talking about what (to them) is better left in the privacy of the bedroom. I reject this assertion. I am not talking about sex by identifying as a lifestyle submissive any more than a gay man is when he says "I'm gay." Yes, that could seem silly, given the nature of my blog- I openly, often graphically talk about sex and BDSM activities, sometimes including myself and my real life Master. Although if you've read my blog more than a handful of times, you know that I'm just as likely to have a totally non-sexual posts that talks about nothing specifically graphic, just how BDSM "makes the house run," as it does in my case.

It has also not been a secret on my blog (or anywhere else in social media that I engage with people) that I've been having a hard time since November. One thing after another has led me to describe my life as "a soap opera so bad that I'd write in to complain to the show's writers if they actually existed." Through this, I've struggled to come to terms with my roles as "submissive," "wife," and "caregiver." Outside of BDSM, people might not give as much attention to different roles we engage in as humans, but those roles are there in stark relief to be considered for BDSM practitioners, especially those who incorporate it into "a lifestyle" as I do- see, there it is, lifestyle equals choice equals preference- or does it? Another metaphor that I've constructed using the example of being LGBTQIA- you can be in the closet all the to being the "person who leads the parade." It's based on a person's comfort level. Well when it comes to BDSM, I'm closer to the "person who leads the parade." The idea of living as a "vanilla" person, as someone who does not engage in BDSM is painful, emotionally unfulfilling for me. And while I may say to my Master "I don't think that's a good idea" (to something He wants to do that may or may not be a good choice based on His current health issues), I am still mostly happy to end that sentence "... Master."


Being a lifestyle submissive is every bit as much "me" as my funny looking toes, my petite body, my interest in learning.

2 comments:

  1. Great post Joelle, well said. The lifestyle choices we make are about more than sexual orientation.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. thanks for the comment, Roz. I just think it's silly that we stop with "who we love based on the gender of the person or people we love." Like we tend to act that *you* are "vanilla" or "other"- what the "other" includes a whole lot of different things from domestic discipline to BDSM- all of them lived quite individually

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