This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

#dungeoncrawl ... What am I doing?

As I sat thinking of my Wednesday post, I considered all the books I have to review and then I wandered to rtkdungeoncrawl.com to see if there was a sign up before I got too thick into planning something that wouldn't work for the crawl. Well there was the sign up. In making up a draft post to sign up, I came up with the title "What am I doing?" With everything I've been thinking about the complex issues of sexuality in my life (including things like sexual, relationship, sexual practice orientations), that "doing" seemed so important to consider.

I was engaged in doing the laundry and thought "what am I do?" It was a generalized vent in that moment- being a lifestyle submissive to a Man who is currently too injured for much BDSM activity makes the serving the focus and serving becomes and/or feels like caregiving rather than serving too often. Of course this makes me think about how I stand in difference from much of the erotic romance I've read- so often the focus seems to be on new relationship, on figuring out those early things in a relationship... not more than a decade later when bodies have more fat on them, less health, when sometimes "how to pay the mortgage" becomes more important a question than "were you kneeling precisely the way you're supposed to when I get home."

To catch at something from my first paragraph, I want to talk about the complexity of my identity. After all, it led Jolynn Raymond to want me to guest on her blog to talk about being a queer woman married to a man- yeah, that's the next thing on my writing schedule if I can get over being pissed at my Master for trying to wake me at 4 am (again) because He was finally coming to bed (damn meds) and was interested in sex (like He hadn't been when I was awake and had asked Him if He'd like a BJ). When asked about my sexual identity, I use 3 words- queer, poly, and kinky. Yes, giving those words, I expect the next moment, I'll be engaged in educating the person to whom I'm talking.

Do come on to Jolynn's blog tomorrow- I'll be talking more about "queer" there. Here I'm going to summarize that heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual don't work for me. While atm I'm only involved intimately with my Master, I do identify as polyamorous because we do have a non-monogamous relationship. In fact, there's the household joke (my teen's included in this one) of "If Mom found 'Ms Right' then there'd be a second mom in the house.)

And finally kinky. I'm not sure quite when or how kinky started to be used as a word in place of BDSM practitioner or other such terms. Here seems to be a tricky spot for me- so many assumptions of what being a lifestyle submissive means. I still mean to answer the author's questions on an article I found on "Submissive Guide" about the "myth of mindset of a 24/7 submissive." I hope reading what I've written so far, you can deal I'm not a beaten down domestic abuse survivor nor the BDSM erotica paradigm of submission; although I will end the sentence with "Master," it may very well start with a "Fuck You," if He's being a child. I think I read something like this is Kate Bornstein's "Gender Outlaw," so consider this a paraphrase or condensing of her thoughts- but like a parent doesn't stop being a parent just because his/her/hir child is at school, I don't stop being a submissive just because I'm not kneeling naked beside my Master's recliner ( or whatever image of a female submissive a person has.)

So what am I doing? I'm not cleaning. I should be cleaning but reference the "pissed off at Master about lack of sex and BDSM when I'm awake." Teen's off at grandparents so there's no home education work for me to do. I should be getting "Out of the Night: Book One" up on Amazon, B&N, and ARe- even though I can't stand to think of all the steps for that work and my fear/assumption that eventually Amazon won't be an option, ARe and B&N probably too as I get into deeper fetishes and taboos in my stories and I'm just not willing to censor a story. There's posts/articles to write and I'm trying. I'm thinking I may have to go to the mall, sit in a massage chair (remember the "Massage Chair Beating" I shared on the crawl?) and buy myself something at Target because I plan to get yoga pants and a shirt to wash in my sun block detergent (among many chronic health issues, I include "allergy to the sun") so I can go to the beach down the street from my house... maybe, some day, I don't know because both teen and Master pissed me off in their own ways when I tried to talk to them.

Yeah, I'm thinking today that this lifestyle submissive may be doing for herself and telling the rest of the world to fuck off. Because I know what I want and right now, it's not to be pissed off.


  1. Thank you for sharing that and I do look forward to featuring your piece tomorrow. I think you and my wife have a lot in common when it comes to the 24/7 thing. We are getting onward towards being the old married couple and she often finds herself being a care giver due to my seizures and chronic mono. I want to do the things we did back then, but often we just don't. There is no kneeling naked by my side. It's more like sitting by my side as we do vanilla things. We have the dungeon and we use it when we both feel up to it, but really, 24/7 isn't this constant wild BDSM ride. We are regular people more often than not.

    1. and thanks for the comment, Jolynn. I think in a lot of ways we BDSM just don't have the role models of what a long term relationship looks like, when the body is no longer (if it ever was) fit to be in BDSM porn. We are certainly behind LGBT people in having any representations of ourselves in TV or other media. I think your last sentence is one of the most important for people to read- even for those of us for whom BDSM is a large part of our identity, really we're just regular people :)

  2. " ... although I will end the sentence with "Master," it may very well start with a "Fuck You." To me, you just nailed it, right there. Perfectly said.

    1. thanks for the comment, Sheri. You know, that's one of my favorite phrases of explanation- "I'm not a beaten down, mouse of an abused woman."- I've had people who never saw with Shaman comment how they couldn't picture me as a submissive lol. Although it takes Him quite a bit to push me before I'll openly say "Fuck you, Master" I can get pretty mouthy. It's great fun at the gaming stores we go to, where I can get mouthy under the guise of "joking as wife" :D

  3. I do remember the massage chair post ☺ and loved the way you expressed your experience of such.
    From the points covered in today's post I would say your feeling a little down. I think it happens to all of us from time to time for a variety of reasons. Hang in there, my dear, things will be looking up for you soon.

    1. thanks for the comment, LA. Yeah, some days I'm more off than others. It's like I was joking with my Master this morning- I wrote out a whole scene from the beginning of play to the next morning when I may or may not be in subdrop, trying to illustrate the ideas of subspace and subdrop for Katherine Deane, as I said I would. Now on FB, I'll tag Him for the fun part, the play, the sex, maybe even as far as "us" showering afterward, but no, from when I wake up, from when I'm struggling with whatever assortment of craziness has me a textbook subdrop, that I'll leave Him alone on 'cause He sees first hand the sudden sobbing attacks etc that are part of my crazy emotional response