if you're here for Taboo Tuesday and don't mind reading something thoughtful and maybe not so taboo, please enjoy Topic Tuesday and then continue on here for Taboo Tuesday's more adult post.
For Topic Tuesday, Kage got us the topic :D What
is the most difficult thing you've ever had to tell someone? How did
you prepare yourself? How did it go over? Good? Bad? Indifferent?
Would you have done anything different? And why was it important for
you to get right?
I pondered this one. I had a snarky, bitchy first comment to my beta reader about what I should write, thinking on the massive failure of my parents to respond right when I lost my virginity to rape at 13. But no, I don't remember how, but the telling on that one, I was saved from somehow- they already knew I'd had sex and had decided for me that I was obviously consenting, even if that was legally impossible at my age.
But now having thought about it, I think that telling my ex-husband it was over fits this bill. And did I ever screw it up. I was still in high emotion from the sci-fi convention we'd gone to the weekend before the telling- the con at which he managed to break like almost every understanding we ran our poly relationship by. First let me tell you that story, although couching it in this- my ex's behavior was "the straw that broke the camels back"- I couldn't manage to excuse his neglect and abuse anymore when he pulled what's given me the line of "I was married to the man who managed to cheat in an open marriage."
We (as in my Master, my ex, and I) arrived at the hotel where a sci-fi convention we were attending was happening. I ran into Julie and went and had sex. I looooooved having sex with Julie and don't you know, when I got back to the room I was staying in with the guys and other friends, I told them both that I'd been with Julie- that fulfilled ex's and my first rule "if possible, tell the other partner of sex before it happens, if not at least before the rumor mill does." The first time ex had sex with the woman I came to think of as "THAT woman," I only found out about it because my Master woke up to see it happening in a room where sex wasn't welcome to be happening. So thanks to my Master waking up in the middle of the night and His honesty, I found out about that time. The second time, that one is still much harder for me to think about, all these years later. The woman had a "psycho stalker ex" as the man was described to me. Con security was desperately trying to find her because of a rumor he was planning to come up to the hotel. No one knew where she was. The last time she had been seen was sitting next to my ex on a couch in the room where we were staying for a drinking party hours before the current time. I was asked to go check the room. When I entered the suite, he got out of the bed leaving her in it (they weren't welcome in that bed!!!!) and came to give me a hug, all the while babbling about "everything will be better." Now don't get me wrong- I am poly, I'm also queer. It's not some basic female, monogamous "he cheated on me." But I smelled her on him and he didn't have the decency to admit that he'd had sex with her AGAIN (managing not only to hurt me, but my Master's dear friend and roommate who was trying to date the woman), until I told him we were done.
Now back to the telling. I'd thrown up the last morning on the con, not wanting to go home with ex. I sat him on the couch and said very simple "We're done." I don't recall a lot after that. He whined. He finally admitted some things. I had angry charges of how he broke our understanding. He whined that I'd broken the rule of falling in love with someone more than him- I argued, no I only fell out of love with you because you couldn't be a good husband. The real wrong moment came when for some reason I tried to give him a hug; I think he'd started to cry.
I'm not going to individually try to answer all of Kage's questions... however I will touch on why it was important to get it right. I needed to have the conversation go as good as "We're done" can because I needed to get myself and my son out of that sick situation.