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This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
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Friday, February 21, 2014

#SRR ... When Shaman is 60, He'll do cartwheels 'cause I'll look 30, probably

http://spankingromance.com/spanking-round-table-discussions/

And because I'm a dork- thanks for hosting us this month, Patricia Green

Being of an Age and Domestic Discipline: a discussion about how one changes as a DD partner over the years of a relationship.

When I sat down to write this, I re-read Patricia's comments that she posted with the topic on Spanking Romance reviews. I really focused on that "You're 30 and DD is a big part of your life." Then I started to talk to my beta reader about it. I said- I think I understand something that's different for me than many other women in TTWD. I started young. Like I surprised the president of the LGBT group at college by coming out during a freshman icebreaker thing. For him, it took getting to college to come out of the closet even to himself; I'd already been out of the closet 3 years by the time I got to college. So when Patricia talks about DD and being 30, to me it's like "oh I just finally admitted to my husband that I wanted spanked." And again, I knew years before I even met Shaman that I wanted lifestyle BDSM." (so that's slightly edited from the messenger conversation into a narrative thing :D ) Shaman- that's my Master's nickname, if you haven't seen it before- I didn't have to tell Him I was polyamorous or into BDSM when we met; by nature of where and how we met, He already knew these things about me.

Now I start by giving that explanation because at the ages of 21-ish and 29-ish, my Master and I started our relationship. Here we sit at more than a decade later and of course we're different. Our relationship started as a polyamorous triad with my ex-husband and I was desperately sick with an addiction to legal stimulants (largely mini-thins) as well as engaging quite successfully (IMHO) in my anorexia- my Master remembers a girl whose ribs He could count easily. I weighed maybe 90 pounds. While we were involved for many months before it, we count January 2001 as our anniversary because I have a poem I wrote Him dated to then when I was expressing my feelings over just being His- as far as cisgender males were concerned. I have a lot of chronic health issues and that has certainly affected our relationships, how we engage in BDSM, and will continue to over the years. We were recently talking about the Wii Fit and how He could use it to way Himself; well He remarked on how a .2 pound increase can mess me up emotionally for days. Anorexia, remember? Well one self-care thing I've started is only weighing every few days, if not once a week, which is not what that silly Wii program recommends.

He's 44 now to my 36. He's of the mind that He wants to eat what He wants, not go out of His way to exercise (well He's delivering mail now so it's not like He needs to exercise outside His job anyway); I have to admit- that terrifies me. The notion that He doesn't want to take care of Himself so He'll live longer, healthier etc. I sometimes "wife" at Him by doing things like giving Him a multivitamin to make sure He even takes one. But I do wonder sometimes; despite my chronic health issues- I'm small, don't weigh a whole lot more than what's recommended for my height, age, build. I eat a largely plant-based diet, some days I'm coming very close to a vegan diet. So yeah, my title jokes about Him doing cartwheels at 60 because I look 30 (even though I'll be 52 at that point), it scares me to think that He probably won't be able to do things like cartwheels, if He even lives to 60. I worry if we'll manage to still be having sex at those ages, if He'll be healthy enough to spank, to flog, to fuck me.

Veering in a slightly different direction, I want to talk about pornography for a moment. Shaman prefers to watch more mainstream male/female porn, with maybe anal being quite a preference. On the other hand, my preference is to watch all male porn, especially of the "Daddy" sub-genre. These often showcase scenarios involving a mature, hairy man who may appear to be in about his 50s or 60s having sex with a slightly younger (maybe 30s or 40s) man. There is commonly an overlap between the "Daddy" and "bear" porn genres; I'm happy to watch either. While my Master prefers to see "sexy young women" having sex with your "average straight porn" guy, the porn I prefer often shows larger men, more hairy men, men who have large stomachs. I can see my Master's "40-something" body in these porns and they turn me on; the men in His preferred porn turn me off. I talk about this because the "eww, old people having sex" isn't an issue for me. I hope to be an old person healthy enough for sexual activity.

I'm going to swing back to DD now. I now I've said this before, but I think it stands repeating here- I always thought I was "into BDSM," but the more I read about DD, the more it seems that what Shaman and I have is closer to DD than BDSM-as-it-is-practiced-now. We don't role play; we simply are who we are. That means I enjoy Him just taking me sexually. It means He expects me to do what He tells me to do more often than not. And it means a hundred more things that we didn't take the time to write in a slave contract. Sure we don't use the same words- Shaman is my Master, not "Head of the Household," although He certainly behaves as such. But how important are those words when it comes to practices and emotions? Not very, I'd argue.

24 comments:

  1. It sounds like you and Shaman have a good relationship that's going to last a long time. I can very much relat to the "be 60 look 30" idea. It's scary to really see your partner in terms of their mortality. It's one thing to find older men sexy, but another to think of them enfeebled. Thank you for participating, Joelle. You obviously gave the topic serious thought.

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    1. The "age thing" is a pretty constant thought for me- after all, we do have those situations where people ask if I'm His daughter when we're out shopping. We all too often get dirty looks when He kisses me in public- as if it's some stranger's place to act like He's robbing the cradle and be an asshat. I may not look it, but I'm chronologically an adult. But yeah, enfeebled. Even now, as He struggles to get used to this job, I'm struggling not to be petty because the owwwws, the lack of sex, the lack of BDSM activity are driving me nuts.

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  2. Interesting and honest, Joelle, as always. I'm always in awe of your strength and how real you are. Down to earth. At least that is how it comes across to me online, FWIW.

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    1. thanks Sheri. hm down to earth, maybe I should head back to bed lmao

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  3. Hi Joelle, I enjoyed reading your perspective on this and learning a little more about your relationship. I agree, titles aren't important when it comes to practices. What's important is that we each find what is right for our own relationship.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. thanks for the comment, Roz. I wish more people would realize that titles are less than important. I think it was over on Patricia's thread that I commented about how frustrated I got at first after finding DD with people questioning about why spankings happened- as if that alone answered the question of whether something was DD or BDSM

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  4. I love how you always tell it like it is. I bet you have no compunction telling Shaman you want him fit to flog you and fuck you at 60 as you hand him the vitamins!
    I also think that the lines between BDSM and DD can be very fuzzy and each couple find what works for them, for some, it is pure discipline without the kinky after fun, for others there is punishments within BDSM and then for many, there is their own made up rules that work for them but might bring criticism, from either side.
    Do what you do and keep enjoying doing it, who cares about the label?

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    1. lmao Tara. Now if He'll only stop grumbling about being tired, sore etc from His new job. He's about to receive a big lack of compunction from me because I'm fecking tired of His whining- see what I did there :D ? This morning was sweetness and not telling Him to stuff His wanting to make me giggle as I got pissed thinking about the lacks in my life atm. I mean, how the hell are we gonna do flogging etc once His mom finally stops dragging her feet and moves in like she needs to?

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  5. You have had quite a journey, Joelle. It sounds like you and "Shaman" have found what works for you. I'm happy for you.

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    1. thanks, Cara :) it's good to be reminded how it's mostly good, especially when I'm feeling so moody.

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  6. Joelle, you are right that you are probably ahead of the curve in knowing what you want and having known it for a while. I think that's awesome and that is so very much who you are.
    I totally agree with you on wanting Shaman to take care of himself so you can still have an active lifestyle when he's 60. I am the same way with my husband, it's not about weight or looks or anything superficial. I just want us to live and be able to do things without health problems.
    I guess that is why they need us ;)
    Great post!

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    1. it frustrates me, Casey, because it's like He's heard too much from "fitness freaks" and refuses to have anything to do with healthy anything because of it. We actually have the current drama of the Clif Bars I got Him 'cause He needs protein bars for work. The flavor I got- crunchy peanut butter- He described as "peanut butter and bird seed." Well I vented to my teen, "It's only because He thinks it's too healthy." And teen started laughing "Of course, why would Shaman want to do anything that's healthy." Just watching how hard He's taking the sudden increase in physical activity is driving me nuts.

      I just wish my knowing what I want could lead to a successful poly relationship ugh. I even vented yesterday on FB about how I fall for the little profile pics of fellow erotic romance authors, if they aren't obviously drawings, book covers etc. There's my rallying call "I just want to be in love [with a woman]" and every ounce of Shaman's sympathy and understanding for my sexuality doesn't seem to help a bit atm

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  7. I don't think the words you call it are anywhere near as important as how you feel about whichever role in your relationship that you fit into comfortably. Master, Head of Household, Top...everybody in BDSM thinks they know what those mean and yet none of them mean the same thing to any two people. But, break those words down to their very hearts, and really they mean the exact same thing--dominant man. Whatever words you chose to use to describe your relationship with the man you love, so long as you both feel comfortable and loved within your roles, nothing else matters.

    I'm glad you're on the recovering side of your health issues, Joelle. I hope you and Shaman have a long and happy life together!

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    1. thanks, Maren. I just hope He isn't too out of it when He gets home tonight- the winds are scary today :( When of the draw backs to working outside. I still laugh at the one "BDSM friend" I have who thought that because I use the word Master that that implied I was naked 24/7 :D. Of course, living clothing optional, I am often enough naked, although not this winter 'cause it's been so brutally cold that our furnace has struggled at times to keep up. But yeah, words are words. Funny that we as authors say that, but it's really the truth. Heck, we wouldn't have half the problem with blurbs and tags for our books if everything meant exactly the same thing :D

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  8. I always love reading your blog posts on Round Table Discussions. You always bring so much depth to the conversation. I really appreciate that in you. You also speak from a perspective that brings one more aspect of the community together. You always hit on the issue of labels as you work your way through that issue in your own mind. I always try to look to the heart of things and past labels any time I can. My instinct is to unite not separate. Each angle, each perspective is beautiful and sometimes more similar than anyone chooses to see. However I love celebrating the differences in each one of us as well.

    As I sort out my thoughts I think I need to contact you privately as I have several very important people in my life that I want to connect with in a deeper understanding. You may have insight as you went through your self discovery so early in life.

    I agree about the concern of what condition we will be in and our significant others will be in as we get older. Jeff and I aren't in the best health now and have conditions which cause pain in our bodies now. This really affects both discipline & play for us. I am hoping for better health in the future and solutions that will help us feel our current ages. Things to think about though...

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    1. thanks, Corinne :) I think we should try to celebrate similarities and differences- it always seems to me that should be part of "embracing diversity." Feel free to email me at authorjoellecasteel @exite dot com. Although warning, I am forever behind on checking my email- I have 3 accounts- some days it's just easier to snag me on FB :D Although I have chat off there today because in addition to reading and commenting for the round table, I'm also trying to finish up SatSpanks before this week's go live.

      health can be such a tricky thing. For so long the focus way on mine. First we had to get me off mini-thins, then quit smoking. Among chronic pain from breasts too big for my frame (that was fixed by a reduction surgery), but I'm bipolar (and no meds) and hypoglycemic. Yeah, a big ball of fun. Oh add to that the recovering anorexic. I may be overweight atm but I still struggle with the bad behaviors, thoughts around food and body issues.

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  9. Hey Lady,

    First, I always appreciate how open you are on your posts. It's a very brave thing. I agree on Shaman (wow, what a nickname by the way) keeping himself healthy. When you have a partner, it's almost an obligation and not jut sexually. Someone wants tot spend the rest of their lives with you, make it a long long time.

    As for you know ing what you knew so early, wow. I kick myself and think if I'd just paid attention...!!! Well, I hope I'm paying it forward with my daughters. I'm mention the 30 days of kink when they start dating - compatibility and all...

    :)

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    1. in college, He had a bunch of friends who enjoyed finding book titles that fit them. For many years after leaving the Baptist Christianity He was raised with, He'd studied different types of shamanism and the name stuck. It's quite the game though, in feeding Him- He has multiple food allergies and sensitivities, in addition to being very picky. so yeah, I sneak things in where I can. a funny one- if I make a Chinese dish, I can put in broccoli without hiding it :D

      yes, with the next generation. I'm glad that my son has gotten a much more complete sexual education than I did. It just makes me sad though to think of the state of sex ed in general- it took me awhile to realize that sex was supposed to feel at all good for the girl, in het pairings.

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  10. Great post Joelle!
    I like what you said about the titles / words not being as important as the practice and emotions. Very well said!

    And I wish I could have come to terms with needs earlier in life.
    It might have saved me a lot of bad dates.
    :)

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    1. thanks, Katherine :) It just makes sense to me. It's one thing to want a label that'll help you understand yourself, but too often we use them in bad ways.

      aww at the bad dates

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  11. LOL. I just love you, Joelle! I love your veer off into porn and I love hearing about how your TTWD relationship has already evolved so much over the years. Thanks for participating!!

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    1. hehe of course I managed to talk about porn :D thanks for the comment, Renee- this one was great to take part in.

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  12. Joelle---you are always so refreshingly honest. Thank you for sharing.

    I didn't know there were porn stars who have hairy bodies and big stomachs. Won't Mr. Jones be pleased when I tell him he has the body of a porn star!

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    1. and thanks for the comment, Celeste :D but I hope Mr. Jones appreciates the thought lmao... mainstream porn isn't the only type so yes, other body types are welcome.

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