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WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, January 9, 2014

What is BDSM, DD to me?

This is the first collar my Master got for me, along with the tag made at the pet store He was managing at the time.

I'm going to start writing this while I maybe shouldn't be. You see- TMI moment- I caught the flu that took down my Master and our teen, then on the same day I finally succumbed, my body decided it was a good idea that my period also start. I'm pretty well useless on my period when I'm not sick as well. So my Master ordered me to "lay down or sit down." Yes, rather than trying to take care of Him- He's still sick- I've been ordered to take care of myself. Does this fit any stereotype of BDSM that *you* have?

It's with that introduction that I move into my proper thoughts for this post :D I've come across this lovely page- Spanking Romance Reviews- because many of my friends are involved with the site, anything from having their books reviewed there to writing articles. I don't remember exactly when the first one was last year- I could look by tags in my posts, but I don't think I'll put go to that effort. The topic for December was "what is DD [IE domestic discipline]?" and considering myself a BDSM submissive, I decided I'd just read my friends' posts. When I commented on Katherine Deanne's post, she said that she'd been looking for me in the linky list and was bummed I wasn't participating. Well I won't try to reproduce or copy/paste conversations between her and I, but I'll sum it up with a comment of hers: "I'd like to understand your dynamic."

So using the guiding questions from the hop, I will try to answer them, although the questions focus on domestic discipline, and while I come from a BDSM background, I find the labels misleading.

  1. What appeals to you about DD?
  2. What does not appeal to you about DD?
  3. Do you practice any version of DD?
  4. What do you think are some common misconceptions of DD?
  5. If you practice any version of DD what have been the greatest joys it has brought to you?
  6. What are the greatest challenges?

1. With the first question, what appeals to me about DD, I find myself thinking about fantasy and reality (that's actually the topic for the roundtable for this month and I'm watching for the sign up). Now as a 35 year old, it seems that Anne Rice's Beauty books, written under a pen name, where my introduction to BDSM literature of any sort. Thankfully I understood it was fantasy and didn't try to bring it into real life; well thankfully to me- there are people who've brought the role play of those books, or "Story of O" and other "classics" of BDSM literature into their kink and more power to them. It's just not my interest. I'd started off writing erotica because while I enjoyed these classics, they were fantasy- they weren't erotica based in reality. It was last year that I happened across "spanking" or "DD" fiction, in Sue Lyndon's "Dark Without You." Then I was off reading all these wonderful romances. These were romances with a little bit of erotic action to them and sometimes even had non-heterosexual people in them. I felt I could relate to some of this. Well beyond spanking/DD fiction, I've also found in the decade or so since I seriously started writing erotica that epublishing has also allowed for erotica to grow up. You can find anything from erotic romance to erotica, including dark erotica, non-consensual erotica. So I'm a little more at home, fiction-wise. Both fiction and reality-wise, I love the dominant/submissive partner dynamic. In fiction, I love the discipline, the structure, especially in DD when a Head of Household helps the Taken in Hand partner to bring structure to her life (because yes, in much of DD, it is a heterosexual couple practicing DD.) I tend to be chaotic though- my Master says that I have "chaos theory of organization" and that I "organize by pile"- I don't think that I'd like all the rules that many TiH deal with in fiction (and many IRL, so I'm told). Thankfully my Master tends to be more easy going- as long as the house is decently cleaned, His belly is full of food, and He has a good orgasm a few times a day. I had to laugh, thinking on writing this- it made me think of the post I wrote about "when BDSM is about running a house"- because no, I'm not nude 24/7- there's too much for me to accomplish and some stuff requires clothing.

2. So the thing I dislike about DD fiction- and I'm waiting for friends who follow DD IRL to comment- is the whole "ladylike" thing. Punishments for swearing. Punishments for "too provocative" clothes. I even have a post started in which I asked my Master some questions about the phrase "lady like." You see, I have plenty of times when "swears like a sailor" is fully correct for me lol. I mean, like I told my teen one day, how can you expect to never have a band we both like when one of my favorites is Marilyn Manson? If anything, I struggle with this lady like thing most, with only "word choice" being another thing (in fiction.) You see, words like "core," "back hole," and other nicer, softer (at least that's how I think them) words instead of the cunt, asshole, and fuck that I prefer to use. Just because I'm a cisgender woman doesn't mean I'm soft and want soft language and the assumption that my gender denotes which word choice I would prefer offends me.

I've decided since I've only answered 2 questions and I'm over 800 words that I'm going to write and then divide this up over weeks. I'm hoping to finish up the 6 questions with the "lady like" article, which is waiting with my Master's responses for me to turn into a post.

7 comments:

  1. Hi Joelle, I'm glad you posted this. It's always good to hear the perspectives of others, especially given that we are all different and have different relationship dynamics.

    As a TiH in a DD relationship I enjoyed reading your perspective. I guess you would say our dynamic is predominantly DD, with a little extra thrown in :)

    We don't have that many rules and the ones we have mostly concern my safety and well being. Checking in with him when we are apart when I go out and return home etc so that he knows where I am. There are also a couple that are in place more as a sign of respect and to remind us of our roles. As for punishments, what I do like about it is that it is a way to release emotions such as guilt, disappointment etc, reconnect and put the issue behind us.

    With regard to the your comments about being 'ladylike'. This is not really a feature for us. I swear ... alot! for example LoL. He does *prefer* me to dress in a feminine manner, but it's not a 'requirement'. it seems submission and femininity do tend to go hand in hand. I know for me, the more feminine I feel, the more submissive I feel and therefore act. When I don't feel feminine, that is when I tend to spiral in my submission.

    Look forward to your upcoming posts :)

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. thanks for the comment, Roz. you know, my answers are so much wider than the SSR, it feels more fair doing them separately so people who are interested can read. Interesting about your rules; I'm sure if pressed, I could put my fingers on rules, but the thing for my Master and I, we just haven't felt the need to put it into writing. Like coming from the BDSM perspective, neither of us could ever wrap our heads around a slave contract. Yes, He wants me to be safe, but He also wants me to use adult judgment. Sometimes, yes that'll lead to things like Him saying "You're too sick. Lay down- I'l go get it." whatever it is lol. I do relate on the respect thing. Like I'm not allowed to Gorean chatrooms. It doesn't really matter that I don't care to go into them- if you're unfamiliar with Gor, it's a subset of BDSM inspired by the Chronicles of Gor science fiction books by John Norman.

      I've had to work hard to understand femininity in a different manner. I'm only 4'11"- yes, we often shop in the kids section for my clothes. I'm also a recovering anorexic weighing a lot more currently than I'm comfortable with. Then this is complicated by the fact that the idea of "sexy" that we're sold by Victoria's Secret and lingerie companies like that is the opposite of what my Master wants. He prefers cotton underthings, clothes that would pass for ageplay clothing, although He isn't into ageplay. For me, submission is about my Master. That's it. About choosing what He'd like before what I'd like. I'm not always so good about it though lol

      hugs :)

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    2. Hi Joelle, I like how you did this and how you broadened it from the original scope of the SSR.

      I can so relate to you on clothing. I am a few inches shorter than you so it is very difficult and like you, a number of my clothes come from the kids section. Especially jeans and pants.

      I suppose a number of our rules are more expectations (subtle difference) and are not always enforced. I do these things because they are what he likes and they please him. We don't have them written down anywhere, although I know some do.

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    3. Did you see that thing about "44 things short people know" going around on fb in the past few days? It claimed that under 4'll" is legal midget height. I always thought that was 3 and you had to be even shorter to be classed a dwarf.

      but yes, I relate on the rules/expectations thing- that's how my Master and I mostly are. Not really many, any hard and fast rules (outside of respect behaviors- and even those have to shift a little for the presence of family/vanillas).

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  2. Can't wait to read the rest of the posts. PS: I, too, swear like a sailor, but I joke that, since I was actually in the navy, it's okay. PSS: Writing the words was actually much harder than just saying them. I have no idea why.

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    1. lol it's different for all of us, on many things, including language, Angie. For me, it's talking to a woman I find attractive. I've done all sorts of other things, did sexual education, engaged in live sex shows, but talking to a woman I find attractive, and I turn into a 12 year old boy noticing the pretty girl the first time. My Master still teases about the time a dancer at a strip club touched my arm and I got tongue tied.

      oh yes :D having been in the navy is a great excuse to swear :D
      Well at least you have a few weeks of posts :)

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  3. oh and the comment about "too provocative clothing"- always makes me think about my Master wanting all my large, frumpy, "modest" clothing to go away after I got my breast reduction a few years ago now... yup, well fitting, even body revealing clothes... that's what He wanted me in :D every now and again, I pick up a few things, a big loose skirt etc, because there are things like water retention with my menstrual cycle that my Master just doesn't get

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