Warning

WARNING

This blog will contain...
...profanity, sexually explicit dialog andadult imagery.
If you are under 18 and/or offended by this...
THIS IS NOT THE BLOG YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

Thanks fiona, from "Sir Q and Me" for the warning message that just makes me melt. :)

Thursday, January 16, 2014

What is BDSM, DD to me- part 2?

And here is the collar my Master put on me a few years ago now. Except for when He was doing chainmaille and needed me to model, as well as I went in a breast reduction, I haven't had this piece of metal off my neck.

Last week I got to work answering 6 questions used to guide or give a starting point to the authors/bloggers participating in December's Spanking Romance Review's December roundtable. I got through questions 1-2 before I had a post that was getting too long to comfortably read. Let me show you those questions again.

1. What appeals to you about DD?
2. What does not appeal to you about DD?
3. Do you practice any version of DD?
4. What do you think are some common misconceptions of DD?
5. If you practice any version of DD what have been the greatest joys it has brought to you?
6. What are the greatest challenges?

I pick up today with #3 and stop with #4. Please come back the next two weeks as I finish this series and then share my thoughts on the phrase "lady like."

3. I struggled with this question, if I practice any version of DD. I didn't think I could truthfully say yes, but thinking on Katherine's comments made me question this. So I use the term "Master" rather than "Head of Household"- I still live in a relationship where the man is dominant, where He leads the household. I find my Master allows for a life more like DD than BDSM that I've read. He doesn't like to "micromanage" as He says, and He finds a lot of the BDSM literature around picking clothes, jewelry, make up etc to be micromanaging. I know what will please Him and I aim for something between what will please Him and what I like. I am bipolar and have the mood swings to prove it- although my Master jokes that my swings are so wide and often that I have "personality changes not mood swings. Sometimes stresses, failures to say what I need, and my moods will bring me to behavior that's so bad, too much like the behavior that stand up comedians say is typical of women- this will bring spankings and other impact play to correct my mood. After reading DD fiction for awhile, I asked Master for maintenance spankings, even gave Him links to DD sites. It was amusing; He asked "how is this different from what you already live with?" He smartly had seen that I was just asking for more BDSM activity. I'm thinking that really I've been too wrapped up in things like terms and stuff like my "lady like" vent to see where I have things in common with DD. I know one thing- safewords- make me oh so much more DD. Safewords are one of those things that have been written about ad nauseam in BDSM circles. Let me let in you on a not-so-secret thing- I've never had a safeword with my Master. As He likes to say, "I pay attention." I'm not one who likes to roleplay "Stop oh stop. Please don't ravish me." (Okay so that was sarcastic, but you know what I mean, right? I don't feel the need to pretend I don't want something when I do and that's not a thing my Master wants either.) This is where I find I'm more in agreement with DD than BDSM- I consented at the beginning of the relationship to please my Master and I don't feel the need to renegotiate, have a slave contract written up, or any of the stuff that's considered important for consent, for SSC by many BDSM people. One point my new friend Corey Harper [click on his name for his adult, kinky tumblr] made was about the ideas of "one-time scene Dom" and "forever-Dom." While my Master first had to get past me "waiting for Tom" [the dom who broke my heart before meeting my Master], I didn't want casual BDSM scene-ing and thankfully neither did my Master. We had a happy, healthy sex life before we added the D/s element.

4. Misconceptions about DD? Well that's a big wide topic, if you ask me, and if you add BDSM, it becomes that much bigger. I also think that both "camps" have many misconceptions about each other. I've seen people say "DD is a subset of DD" and others respond in offense that DD is most definitely not part of BDSM- "they do it for the kinky sex, not as a lifestyle." Of course, straddling the fence of both worlds, I see how people miss the breadth of what constitutes either of these lifestyles. To an ex-girlfriend of His, my Master once said, "Joelle isn't a slave just in the bedroom; she runs my whole house." This was in defense of some snotty comment she'd made about me, He further said. For me, the dominance and submission aren't just things my Master and I put on to make our sex life better; submitting to Him fills a deep need in me. That isn't to say I'm a doormat- a misconception that both the TiH and submissive have to fight against- many a guy (because it's usually a guy who's does this stupid) sees me collar or sees me obeying my Master and thinks that I will do the same if he orders me. LOL In explaining to a guy friend who jokingly tried it recently, my Master said, "When we went to sci-fi cons, I'd just step back and watch the fun when a guy would tell Joelle to do something." Because yeah, I will rip such a guy a new asshole if he doesn't quickly get a clue. I think some of the biggest misconceptions are around the HoH or dominant though- that "he" is just a throwback, a small-minded man, one who hasn't been educated enough [by feminist theory, usually]. Whether we're talking DD or BDSM, there is consent happening and the TiH/submissive wants the domination. So while I shudder at the "submission is a gift" trope among BDSM, there is definitely a way in which the dominant and submissive would exist unhappily without each other.

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